the best veggie burger ever

At work they hosted a picnic for some or other thing. They bought tons of stuff. Icing stacked blue cupcakes that turn your mouth colors, crock pots of chili and aluminum containers of potato salad. In general these events are not vegetarian friendly... but the office assistant said there are actually lots of veggies in the building, so they always get some veggie burgers.

So I went down to the ever enticing loading dock and got a grilled veggie burger on a styrofoam plate... and much much much to my surprise... it was good. Really good. I regretted putting so much mustard and ketchup on it to mask the often processed flavor you get from them. I mean... I would have paid for that veggie burger. Four bites in, I turned to my cubicle mate and was struck with the realization... mouth full, I said, ``This veggie burger was totally cooked in meat...''

And I totally finished eating it.

Simple and Glamorous Zabaglione-type Sauce

Last night, I had a sweet tooth but the only thing I had in my house was plain, ordinary, boring vanilla ice cream. My roommate disappeared into the kitchen and I sat watching Paula`s Party and the hideous, disgusting Rosie O`Donnell she had on as her main guest.

Suddenly, my roommate pops into the living room with a huge bowl of ice cream and this gorgeous and delicious, sorta kinda custardy sabayon/zabaglione sauce all over it! I was in heaven! And it was so simple and effortless to make, anyone can do it. Here is the recipe:

4 egg yolks
1\4 cup of sugar
1\4 cup of booze (like dark rum, Grand Marnier, etc.)
1\2 tsp. vanilla

He slowly cooked all the ingredients over a low heat, being very very careful not to overcook the eggs and have the damn thing turn out thick and too custard-ish. And that is it!

You can whip this up in ten minutes and serve it over ice cream, berries, crumpets, scones or just slather it all over your body and lick it off! Heaven!

Up for debate

Maybe it's because I grew up with the strict warning that certain foods need to be cooked thoroughly, but is anyone else a little freaked out by the idea of eating pink pork, duck that's only been seared or chicken sashimi?

Hell's Kitchen Computer Game

There is a new Hell's Kitchen computer game. Join world-renowned TV host Gordon Ramsay inside Hell`s Kitchen as he puts aspiring chefs through a rigorous culinary boot camp. Experience the show`s pressure cooker atmosphere by entering a series of kitchen and dining room challenges. You`ll need to master each Time Management test to progress. Each meal is scored by the famous Gordon Ramsay himself. Do you have the talent to be a "five-star" chef in the hottest kitchen in town? Enter the fiery double doors of Hell`s Kitchen and find out.

You can download a demo version of the game here.

Scottish food IS based on a dare

Mike Myers had it right, at least about some Scottish food. But reading about London eateries and afternoon tea made me reminisce about my trip to Scotland last year and some of my food experiences.

I stayed in B&Bs, figuring I'd at least not have to worry about paying for one meal a day, plus, I love UK oatmeal. It's steel cut, so it's like little nuggets of oatmealy goodness, and unless it's preboiled or soaked a long time, it never really softens up. But in Scotland, they make it creamy and soft, with milk.

Breakfast there is like in England, with pots of tea, eggs, bacon and sausages, grilled whole tomatoes, toast, sometimes black or white pudding (which I avoided) and potatoes. It's big and filling -- a great start to the day. And it's quite different than in Italy, where breakfast is often just bread and jam and a lot of delicious coffee.

I had heard Scotland was becoming quite an epicurean country, but I have to say, I did not find that. At one place I ordered a Caesar salad, and the menu said "traditional" dressing, which I thought meant a Caesar dressing. Apparently, "traditional" means a big glob of mayonnaise with two salty anchovy fillets draped across the top. No thanks.

I tried Scottish venison with a red wine and chocolate sauce -- quite tasty, and a Scottish beef fillet, which the restaurant assured me did not come from Highland cattle (whew), and it was about the best beef I've ever had.

I had haggis -- yes, it's true -- not because I really wanted to eat it, but because I wanted to at least say I tried it. Surprisingly yummy, actually. Spicy and dark and rich. The only thing that stopped me from eating more was knowing what was in it.

Fish and chips in Inverness were good with their thick beer batter, except they leave the skin on one side of the fillet, which is not my favorite thing.

I had bad corn chowder, delicious fresh Scottish salmon and some good, but not great, sticky toffee pudding.

Tea and shortbread, at the B&Bs, along the Royal Mile in Edinburgh or beside Loch Ness, was always wonderful.

By far, though, my favorite meal there was the little lunch I had at a cafe along the River Dee, near Aberdeen. I ordered a traditional ham sandwich, and it came, just like my half-Scottish mom made, on buttered brown bread with nothing inside but salty, smoky ham.

Absolutely perfect.

Crumpets and Afternoon Tea

I'm am thinking about England today and a lovely little thing called Afternoon Tea. Along with tea, there would be small pastries with clotted cream or preserves, delicate sandwiches, and scones. I like crumpets. Below is a nice little recipe for crumpets. Serve them with jam, or a nice lemon curd.

Ingredients
1 package active dry yeast
1/4 cup warm water
1 teaspoon sugar
1 1/2 cups warm milk
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup warm water

Preparation
Sprinkle the yeast over the warm water in a large mixing bowl. Add the sugar, stir and let the yeast dissolve for about 5 minutes. Add the milk, flour and salt and beat until smooth. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and let stand for 1 hour (If you want, you can make the batter the night before, cover and refrigerate over night). Stir down. Dissolve the baking soda in the remaining 1/4 cup of warm water and stir into the batter. Cover again and let rest for 30 minutes.

Heat a griddle or cast iron pan and grease some 3-inch rings. When the cast iron is medium-hot, grease it and place the rings on it. Spoon about 3 tablespoons of batter into each ring, just enough to cover the bottom. Lower heat and cook slowly for about 8 minutes, or until the tops of the crumpets have lost their shine and are dull and holey. Remove the rings and set aside the crumpets. When you've finished the batch, toast the crumpets, butter them generously and serve with your favorite jam or lemon curd. Don't forget your English Tea to drink! Delicious!

The Next Food Network Star

I am beside myself with excitement because the new season of The Next Food Network Star, hosted by Bobby Flay, begins this Sunday. You might remember Amy, the Gourmet Next Door, who beat out runner-up Rory last season only to have her show TANK with viewers. And let's not forget this is the show that gave us OSF. I smell a train wreck about to happen!

You can check out the contestants on the official Web site and be sure to check back here Monday morning for our take on this year's crop of wannabe "melon-heads," "Pixie Chefs" and "Georgia Peaches!" I for one am counting the minutes until it begins!

Summer English Trifle

English Trifle is always a crowd pleaser. I often make this one for summer BBQS or family get togethers. You can substitute cranberries for the jam and raspberries to make a Thanksgiving party desert. You can also use lady fingers instead of pound cake but be careful as they are much more delicate.

Serves 10
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1 cup seedless raspberry jam
4 cups raspberries
2 cups heavy cream
1 1/2 pounds favorite pound cake

Directions

1. In a small saucepan, bring 1/2 cup sugar, 1/4 cup water, and lemon juice to a boil, stirring to dissolve sugar, 1 to 2 minutes. Let cool.
2. In a small bowl, combine jam with 3 cups raspberries, mashing slightly. In a large bowl, whip cream and 2 tablespoons sugar to stiff peaks.
3. Slice pound cake 3/4 inch thick; brush both sides of slices with lemon syrup.
4. Fit 1/3 of slices snugly in the bottom of a 4-quart trifle dish or other glass bowl, trimming edges if necessary. Gently spread top of layer with 1/3 of raspberry mixture, and then 1/3 of whipped cream. Repeat to make two more layers; garnish with remaining cup raspberries. Refrigerate until ready to serve, up to 24 hours.

What is that orange sweaty thing?

Someone please explain how Guy Fieri got not just one, but three shows on FN. That orange, sweaty fuck, from now on to be known as OSF, is so annoying.

Come on, you get to travel the country eating at diners, drive-ins and dives -- by definition messy food -- and you can't keep that greasy shit out of your skanky beard? Is that pubic hair on your face? And your bleach job is lame.

Plus, you're not funny, OSF. You're not cute, you're not charming. I don't want to watch you stuff crappy food into your greasy, yapping maw.

You're on that stupid new challenge show with Mark Summers -- also an annoying bastard -- and you have your own cooking show. Blech. I don't want to cook anything you're making.

Plus plus, why do they have to show your shows like 30 times a day, and always reruns?

Did you run out of diners, drive-ins and dives?

If so, good. Now get off my goddamned TV.

Mom's shortbread

Mom made the best cookies, and one of the all-time favorites was good old-fashioned Scottish shortbread.

Give this one a try. It's pretty easy.

1 cup butter
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup rice flour or cornstarch
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/4 tsp. baking soda

Form the dough into a brick shape and bake at 300 for 30 minutes, or until golden brown on top. When cool, slice gently with a nonserrated knife and enjoy with hot cup of thistle tea.

Sticky Toffee Pudding Recipe

Due to popular demand, here is the famous Sticky Toffee Pudding recipe that his filled the tummies of thousands with yumminess. As a side note, I did make this once with fresh dates and dried are much better. The fresh dates also gave off a greenish hue that made me sick to my stomach. So stick with the dried stuff.

Sticky Toffee Pudding

For sauce
4 cups whipping cream
2 cups (packed) dark brown sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter

For cake
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 cups water
1 1/4 cups chopped pitted dates
2 teaspoons baking soda

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Preparation
Make sauce:
Bring cream, brown sugar and butter to boil in heavy medium saucepan
over medium-high heat, stirring frequently. Reduce heat and simmer
sauce until reduced to 3 1/2 cups, stirring occasionally, about 6
minutes. Set aside. (Can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cover and
refrigerate. Re-warm over medium-low heat, stirring frequently, before
using.)

Make cake:
Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter 12-cup Bundt pan. Whisk flour and baking
powder in medium bowl to blend; set aside. Combine 1 1/2 cups water,
dates and baking soda in another heavy medium saucepan and bring to
boil. Remove from heat; cool completely.

Using electric mixer, beat butter and sugar in large bowl until light
and fluffy. Beat in eggs 1 at a time. Mix in vanilla and half of flour
mixture, then date mixture. Blend in remaining flour mixture. Pour
batter into prepared pan.

Bake until cake rises and is golden on top, about 45 minutes. Pour 3/4
cup caramel sauce over cake; continue baking until tester inserted
near center of cake comes out with no crumbs (only caramel sauce)
attached, about 15 minutes. Cool in pan 10 minutes. Invert cake onto
platter. Cool completely. Wrap cake airtight and store at room temperature.

Cover remaining caramel sauce
and refrigerate. Re-warm sauce over medium-low heat, stirring
frequently, before using.

Cut cake into gigantic slices and then slather caramel sauce over each slice.

YUM!

"In that big old skillet on the stove is the secret ingredient for a Dyer's hamburger: old grease. The cook told us that they are very careful to strain it every evening, so it's good and clean for the next day."
- Michael Stern

Deep-fried cheeseburgers

It has come to my attention that there is a restaurant in Memphis that serves deep-fried cheeseburgers, fried in the same grease they claim to have had since 1907. They "strain it on a daily basis" so technically it isn't the same grease since 1907. But hey, let them have their fun.

The hamburgers are dropped into the bubbly-hot grease for a bit, then they add cheese and dunk the burgers back in. Then they put the buns on the top with the grease dripping down the sides and all over the buns. I have to tell you, as gross as it sounds, I am very tempted to drive down to Memphis to try it out!

This got me wondering, what kind of food would you like to try deep fried?

Final Four on Top Chef

"I'm going to bring it," Lisa said.

"Fuck you and your peanut butter mashed potatoes," I said.

That grinch-faced bitch is still here, and is going to Puerto Rico with the three who can really cook. Spike has gone home, which he should, but I'm still waiting to see Lisa get beat down.

Peanut butter mashed potatoes? As soon as she announced that, I was sure she was gone. That had to taste like ass.

But by virtue of her having been in the bottom five times, as opposed to Spike's seven, she hung on for one more week.

Meh.

I wonder, when she watches the show now that the taping is all over, if she sees how nasty her stanky face is when she's being criticized.

Stefanie, Richard and Antonia are all so good, I'll be happy to see any of them win, but especially Stefanie. Or Antonia. Or maybe Richard.

Hell's Kitchen, week of May 27

Well damn. Louross can't cook a filet. Who knew?

If they give Jen enough time, she'll hang herself. She had some serious problems, too. But Matt. Matt. Sweating into the food? Gag.

I'll give Corey and the blonde chick some credit -- they did better just the two of them than the four-person blue team.

Three finalists: Bobby, Corey and the blonde chick. I still can't wait to see douchey Matt go home, and for Ramsey to kick Jen's bitch-ass right out of the kitchen.

London-NOT the Food Capital of the World

All this talk about Hell's Kitchen and Gordon Ramsey has me thinking about London where I just vacationed.

Ah, London. Home of Queen Elizabeth, Harry Potter, Harrod’s and Harvey Nicks. And London can be the home of really bad food if you don’t know what you are doing.

Now everyone knows that when you go to London, you don’t go for the local cuisine. The pubs are hit or miss (my experience has been mostly miss) and the rest of the “British cuisine” is bland at best. My advice is to stick with the “ethnic” food if you can. London has thriving Indian, French, Chinese and Middle Eastern communities and if you plan your eating around these groups, you should be fine.

We had a wonderful experience at a high end French restaurant in Covent Garden called Clos Maggiore (go to the website and take the tour!). If you have ever been to Boston’s L’Espalier, then you get the idea. Clos Maggiore was phenomenal. We did the chef’s tasting menu and it was to die for. It started with a buttery foie gras served with a salad of frisee over a crispy chip and topped with a fried quail egg. It was probably some of the best foie gras I have ever tasted.

Next were scallops served with crushed ratte potatoes, seaweed butter and watercress coulis. The scallops were good, but the seaweed butter was bit much.

Third course was a slow cooked cod over risotto (they LOVE there risotto in England for some reason). This was excellent. The cod pretty much melted in your mouth.

Next was a Treacle caramelized duck breast with a pink grapefruit crumble and a ruby port sauce. To die for. The duck was cooked to perfection and the port wine sauce made it shine.

On to my favorite course; the cheese course. There is nothing like good French cheese and boy was this good. And being as how Dan is not a fan of the exotic European cheeses, there was more for me! I wish I had have written down exactly what they served because I would have smuggled it back into the states. I can tell you we had a lovely peppered chevre, an excellent British cheddar and a camembert that were perfect for Dan and my favorite, a buttery gorgonzola that sent me over the edge. All this was served with a lovely bread basket and fresh quince jelly. Outstanding!

Our meal ended with a lovely soft praline ganache w/cocoa butter crumble & chocolate ice cream.

I highly recommend this restaurant if you are ever in London and feel like splurging on an expensive, fancy dinner (about $300-$350 for two). It was worth every penny.

Up next, the one meal the British do right: Breakfast!

Oh, and I should add...

...that I can't wait to see that surly-ass Lisa have to pack her knives and leave the Top Chef kitchen.

I mean, Spike can only cook one dish -- butternut squash soup -- which I have nothing against, but he's a one-dish pony so he should go, too. But Lisa? I'm going to cackle with glee when she has to go home, because NO ONE is going to hug her goodbye.

Last week, even the King of Surly, Anthony Bourdain, commented on the grouch-ass look on her face.

Go home, Lisa. Just quit. You can't compete, you can't play on the team, you can't win challenge. Just go the fuck home.

Hell's Kitchen, week of May 20

I seriously cannot believe all these numbnuts haven't been kicked off the show.

Not a single one of them is qualified to run a fucking Waffle House, let alone a Gordon Ramsey restaurant.

Let's see. Who's left?

Matt, the douche who always looks like he's going to cry. Oh, you cut off the top of your finger? You better ask the doctor for some Monistat, you giant pussy.

Jen and Corey? Incompetent cows.

Louross? OK, maybe you can cook some food, but stop being such a biyotch.

And who's the blonde girl? Who fucking cares?

I cannot WAIT to see Gordon Ramsey scream at them again this week. How many times have they done full services? And they still cannot get one right. Not a single one.

He should chop them all up into the pancetta.