False Advertising!

Nothing beats a good corn dog at a street fair. Nothing unless it’s a fraud! A fake! A forgery! A farce!
I was happily wandering about San Francisco’s Gay Pride festival yesterday, quite relieved that Cyndi Lauper had pulled a prima donna fit and cancelled her fifteen minute “show”. Thank God. The last thing in the world I wanted to hear was her screeching and screaming for even fifteen minutes.
I saw a huge sign that said “CORN DOGS!” in front of one of the many food booths so my roommate and I decided to brave the long long lines and grab ourselves a nice old fashioned corn dog. WELL….after waiting patiently and happily in line for a good thirty minutes, what happens? We got to the front and there on a type written “menu” are the words “Vegetarian Corn Dogs $5.” VEGETARIAN! What the fuck? What else was there to do after the long wait but order one, right? YUCK! It was mealy, and soft and absolutely disgusting.
So take my advice. Next time you are at a carnival, a street fair, an outdoor festival or any place that serves “corn dogs”, do yourself a favor. Grab both shoulders of the nearest person waiting in line and roughly shake them and ask them forcefully “Are these corn dogs real?” If they don’t know or get scared, move on to the next person until you get a satisfactory answer. And if the corn dogs are vegetarian…burn the fucking place to the ground!

Cupcake day

I made so many cupcakes today I had to put an extra leaf in the table to hold them all.

Tried two different recipes, both came out really well, so I'll pass them along:

Amy Sedaris's Vanilla Cupcakes
1 1/2 sticks butter at room temperature
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 large eggs
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 tsps pure vanilla extract
2 1/2 tsps baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups milk

Preheat oven to 375. Mix, bake for 20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. The recipe is supposed to make 24, and Amy says she only gets 18, but I only got 16. Oh well.

When cool, frost with:
Amy's Buttercream
1 box powdered sugar
1 stick butter at room temperature
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup milk

If you want the richest, most decadent chocolate cupcakes, try this:

Brownie Cupcakes
4 sticks unsalted butter
8 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped fine
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 tsp salt
3 3/4 cups sugar
8 eggs

Preheat the oven to 350.

Melt the butter and chocolate over medium-low heat. While that's happening, sift together the flour, baking powder, cocoa and salt into a large bowl. When the butter and chocolate are melted, remove from heat and whisk in the sugar. Add the eggs to the chocolate mixture one at a time, and beat until incorporated. Add that mixture to the flour mix, and beat on low with an electric mixer until just blended.

If you make mini-cupcakes, bake for 25-30 minutes. If you make large cupcakes, it's going to take closer to 45-50 minutes. Keep checking until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. The tops will get crunchy like brownies, and you can dust with powdered sugar or frost with this ultra-rich, devilish topping:

White Chocolate Frosting
6 ounces white chocolate, melted over a double boiler and cooled to room temperature
2 cups powdered sugar -- maybe a little more
1/4 cup milk
1 stick butter at room temperature
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp salt

Once the chocolate has cooled a bit, sift the sugar into a bowl and mix in the milk until smooth. Beat in the butter, vanilla and salt until the mixture is smooth and shiny. Beat in the chocolate. I added more powdered sugar to make it a thicker, frosting consistency. But it's not necessary -- it could be more like a glaze if you prefer.

Warning: These brownie cakes are not snacks. They are a serious dessert, and one is really rich enough for two people to share.

In search of decent calamari

A friend of mine today asked me where in SF you can get good calamari. I suggested Hayes Street Grill. They do several grilled calamari apps and entrees. She was looking for fried. Now, my question to you is what constitutes “great fried calamari?” I mean fried calamari is fried calamari. Once you bread it and throw it in the deep fryer it all tastes the same, right?

Not so fast. There is a difference between a deep fried calamari basket and a nice fritto misto. Hayes Street Grill does a lovely fritto misto where the calamari was soaked in buttermilk and then dredged in corn meal before put in the fryer. They also only use peanut oil in their fryer which makes for a nice clean tasting fry. Serve with a tarter sauce (recipe below). Make sure you change the oil frequently!

Tarter Sauce
2 cups mayonnaise
¼ cup chopped capers
½ to ¾ cup of diced cornichons
½ a red onion
S& P

Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers are YUMMY!

I'm not so into malted milk, Whoppers or artificial strawberry flavors. But a coworker brought in a box of Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers and I ate the entire box in about a minute. They are heavenly. Nothing about them tastes real, it's all one big chemical. But oh what a delicious chemical it is! Try them.

summer cake recipe from my mom

1 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp cloves
1/2 cup butter softened
1/2 cup grain sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar ( i like dark)
2 eggs
1/2 cup buttermilk (pivotal, don't sour, use the real thing)
3/4 cup blackberry jam (preserves not NOT jelly, it thins the cake)
1/2 cup coarsely chopped pecans.

For the frosting
1/2 cup soft butter
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup milk, maybe a tbsp more if needed
3 cups sifted 10x sugar

Mix dry ingredients for cake (spice and flour), set aside. Grease two 8 inch rounds. Beat butter till smooth add sugars. Beat until fluffy, add eggs one at a time until combined. Alternate between adding flour and buttermilk. Beating on low until just combined. Stir in jam and pecans. Pour into pans, bake at 350, 30 to 35 minutes. Cool in pans for 10 minutes. cool on rack rest of the way.
Frosting. Heat butter and brown sugar in a small saucepan. Cook until bubbly, stirring constantly. Add milk, beat vigorously until smooth... like caramel, slowly add sifted sugar 1 cup at a time, until spreadable consistency... might need another 1/2 cup.. if you over do it, add a little milk. Ice cake immediately while icing is warm. If you want the extra fruity goodness of the jam, you can put a thin layer of it on the bottom layer of cake then a thin layer of frosting, same on top, and leave the sides bare so you can see the gooey drips. It actually looks kind of pretty that way.. but the penuche is tasty.

comfort food

Today is a day that food should be a comfort and isn't. My mom was a cook, not a chef, and most of the time a baker, not a cook. She canned all summer long on our farm and we would eat tons of blackberry jam and spiced peaches throughout the year sometimes folded into a pastry or cake, all based on her summer efforts.

I saw homemade strawberry jam in the store today in a jar like the ones my mother used for canning, and instead of being a comfort, it made my heart feel so heavy that my ribcage involuntarily expanded while I was holding my breath.

Today I am mad. I am mad at my nose, at my eyes, at my ears, at my skin, and at my taste buds. I am mad that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember things with my entire body, with all my senses, with any of them. I cannot taste the summer air when our house filled with the thick odor of stewing fruit.

More importantly, my nose won't remember my mother's smell. It's been eight years. There was a sweater she wore to hang clothes on the line to dry in the sun. If we got stuck in the rain doing our chores or got sick, she would bundle us in it. It smelled like her-- like old ribbon-- a mix of farmhouse mustiness and sugar that seemed to constantly fill the air in our house. It would hover in the back of my throat like a ghost of better things when I was a kid.

I leaned over and kissed my mom during her funeral and the smell was gone.

When I go home to visit, the air tastes different.

I saw those jars in the grocery store and knew there is no comfort in some comfort foods.

The Next Food Network Star-Week 4

Hooray, Nipa is history! She never deserved to be there. Lisa on the other hand...that girl rocks my world. Not only did she eat it on the ship and spill sauce all over herself, she got right back up and finished her challenge strong. The judges all said it was the most personally they had seen her to date. All the more reason for everyone to go on the website and vote for Lisa as fan favorite!

Kelsey was the big winner this week. Her prize was having her fish dish served at Red Lobster. It doesn’t get more high class than that! And what happened to Tyler Florence? He used to be so cute. Same thing is happening to Jamie Oliver.

I think the final three will be Lisa, Kelsey and Shane. As much as I want to do Adam, he really doesn’t deserve to be there. And don’t get me started on that Jennifer. Shut it already!

Office feasting

Our corporate honchos don't think enough of what we do to pay us nearly enough for the hours we work and the stress we endure, what with the public thinking we're straight-up Beelzebub and all.

And I don't mean the cutesy Red Devil fireworks devil or the ballad-singing Satan in the South Park movie, I mean fire-breathing, face-fucked-up-like-Mickey-Rourke, pitchfork-wielding, Al-Pacino-style-holy-water-boiling Lucifer.

However, management does see fit to reward our efforts with Folgers craptacular sludge and some cheap-ass toys from the Dollar Store to "relieve stress" like we're the ghetto Google.

And there's the center table.

The center table in our office has a candy basket that's almost always brimming with sweeties.

Except on the days some health-conscious jackass decides we should all have to eat extra-dark chocolate. Sometimes it's raspberry flavored and sometimes it has little, crunchy, cacao nibs in it for extra anti-oxidant yumminess and potential choking. That fucker.

Anyhoo, the center table is the repository for all kinds of food swag that we as members of the media cannot take from sources, because the media gods fear that a fucking cup of real coffee, with actual liquid cream in it, or a sandwich that doesn't feature pink-jellied Spam as its centerpiece, might lure us into writing something that's not entirely objective.

What are we, cheap-ass whores? That was a rhetorical question, you bastards.

Sorry to get off track there. Back to the center table.

A couple days ago, it was wrap sandwiches. On Election Night this year it was homemade lasagna and salads.

Today, it's cookies. COOKIES! I dig coming into the office and finding cookies! Who loves me, baby?

OK, the cookies aren't for me, personally. They are actually just leftovers from yesterday's crew. But who cares? Some of the packages were still unopened!

What kind of food do your masters ply you with so you won't complain about low wages and shitty mileage reimbursements? And what's your favorite office food? Hmmm? Tell it. Tell it all.

Tomales Bay BBQ'd Oysters

Ever since the Great Tomato Scare of '08 started, I've been absolutely terrified to even leave my home. What if I was innocently walking down the street and some hooligan threw a tomato at me, it got in my mouth and...and...I contracted salmonella?! What would I do? It's MUCH safer to just stay indoors. The only trouble is, it's been about 140 degrees in the shade in San Francisco and I don't have air conditioning. It sucks.

So this weekend, I decided to risk it all and drive up to Tomales Bay with my roommate and escape the heat. I figured I was safe from tomato-throwing lunatics on the highway, so I was glad to finally leave my house.

I'm not a big oyster fan, in fact I don't get them. It seems just plain dumb to me to suck down some fishy slimy glob of yuck down your throat. Way too pretentious for me. But I tasted something so delicious, I'll never be the same. BBQ'd oysters!

We stopped at this cute and quaint little roadside seafood restaurant on Highway 1, right on Tomales Bay and smack dab in the middle of the dining room was a grill filled with oysters bbq'ing right in their shells. After they were done and sizzling, the chef poured this yummy, tangy sauce over them and topped them off with chopped garlic. I was in absolute heaven.

Unfortunately, after we left and were back on the road, my roommate informed me that the sauce they used on the oysters was primarily made from...TOMATOES! So we made a quick pitstop to the nearest hospital so I could have my stomach pumped. My throat is still a little raw and bloody from the tube they stuck down my throat and my stomach muscles are still sore from hurling, but I don't have salmonella! All in all, it was a good weekend!

lapse in judgement

Never order fish at a Mexican chain restaurant. It's advice to live by. If Taco Bell starts selling fish tacos, don't be first in line.

I used to go to this family-owned taqueria in Oakland that made the best fish tacos. They would get fresh fish delivered from the markets... and it was awesome. I'll leave it at that.

My sister took me out for Mexican food while I was visiting her in Virginia this week, and I made the mistake of ordering seafood enchiladas in a "seafood sauce". Huh. That could have been fish scales, that could have been tartar sauce, that could have been cocktail sauce, hell that could have been a chum marinade. I don't have an answer for what it actually was other than white-ish and fishy. My stomach hasn't entirely forgiven me.

salmonella, schmalmonella

I refuse to give in to the great tomato scare of 08. I went to my local farmer's market today and picked out a bounty of lovely and delicious tomatoes. I plan to make a scrumptious tomato salad from my days back at the Hayes Street Grill. Here is the recipe. For this salad it is best to go to the farmer's market and choose a variety of types of tomatoes.

Summer Tomato Salad

1/2 a pint of red cherry tomatoes
1/ pint yellow pear tomatoes
1 to 2 large heirloom tomatoes
1 large ugly tomato
s&p to taste

Herbed Red Wine Vinaigrette:
As with most recipes, you should play around with this one to your liking. You can add to or completely change what herbs you use as most fresh herbs go well with tomatoes.

2 tablespoons chopped fresh oregano
2 tablespoons chopped fresh thyme
3/4 cup red wine vinegar
olive oil to blend

This salad is great by itself or with grilled garlic bread. Enjoy! Salmonella be damned!

mmm, bison...

I just saw this commercial for a website where you can buy free range bison like you were ordering a side of beef. This is my favorite:

The Welcome Sampler:
4 (9 oz.) Bison Ribeye Steaks
6 (6 oz.) Bison Sirloin Steaks
6 (1/3 lb.) Bison Burgers
4 (1 lb.) pkgs. Bison Chili
Only $149.00

I think I might try it...

Fire!

OK, I know a lot of Hell's Kitchen is played for drama, but Chef Ramsey isn't a good enough actor to pull off the hot-hand thing.

"Now I think you're doing it on purpose." Yeah, I'm sure one of the final four would heat up the pan handles on purpose, especially the one who had the clear advantage today.

But at least he finally made the right choice and sent Jen home.

Next week is allegedly "explosive."

I kind of wish Petrozza would explode.

Plan Your Trips to Korea!!

Surely some American county fair will pick up on this tasty bit of yumminess that is currently all the rage in Korea. What could be better than a hot dog on a stick coated with greasy french fries?! The only thing that would make this better is if you slathered it with mayonnaise! YUM YUM YUM!

A plea for Lisa

There is a contest on the Food Network Web site to vote for the fan favorite from amongst the finalists of the next food network star. That horrible Kelsey is winning. We can't have it! We need everyone to go to this website and vote for Lisa. Lisa should be the top contender on this show. She has everything you could possibly want from a Food Network hostess (a solid hook, an all-American background, the hair). You can only vote once a day but everyone should vote and vote for Lisa! Let Lisa and the producers at Food Network know how much we love her!

The Next Food Network star, week 3- "oh my god, it's Martha Stewart!"

Oh Kelsey, did you really think you could create potato gratin from start to finish in 30 minutes? Did your culinary schooling teach you nothing? Any fool would know the only chance of that dish being completed in that amount of time would be to blanch the potatoes first. So young. And Jennifer, mashed potato pizza? Really? Between that and the 3 cheese cream sauce you feed your daughter, I am guessing she is huge.

Each week I my love for Lisa and Adam grows stronger while my hatred for Nipa gets bigger (like Jennifer's daughter I think). Why didn't she go home instead of Jeffrey? Sure he is boring and all, but Nipa's product was cayenne and salt in a bottle. Please.

Lisa's reaction to Martha Stewart's presence was refreshing and real. I think she is the top contender to beat. If she would just slow down a little with those broad knife strokes before she loses a finger.

Disappointed

I got a new cookbook not long ago, called "Cucina Povera," and decided to try my first recipe.

This chicken cacciatore recipe looked wonderful. It wasn't the usual tomato-pepper sauce, but rather a white-wine, caper sauce with pancetta.

I followed it faithfully, chopping capers, rosemary, garlic, lemon and pancetta while the browning chicken sizzled away, making my house smell delicious.

Patiently I waited while the sauce simmered and the chicken finished cooking. Couldn't wait to try my dinner.

The first bite was...Nast. It was gross.

I don't know if I did something wrong or maybe it just wasn't, as my roommate said, "to my taste."

Yuck. It wasn't even fit for the dog's dinner.

Sticky goodness

Yesterday I went to a barbeque at my boss's house. She is from Florida and had chicken wings from Sticky Fingers shipped to her. She sent me home with a bottle each of my two favorite Sticky Fingers' bbq sauces, Memphis Original and Carolina Sweet. Good times!

Soft Shell Crabs

It's soft shell crab season and I couldn't be happier! These delicious morsels have been a favorite of mine since my days at the Hayes Street Grill. I've had them many times since then but find that the Grill's recipe is the best. The trick is the buttermilk bath at the beginning. Simply delicious!


Soft Shell Crabs Meuniere

Soak 2 soft shell crabs in buttermilk for 5 minutes.
Heat 4 tablespoons clarified butter in a sauté pan over medium heat to hot but not smoking. If you don’t have clarified butter you can use oil, but the butter tastes better.
Remove crabs from buttermilk, shaking off excess and dredge in mixture of flour, salt and pepper. Add crabs to the heated pan shell side down. Cook for 2 minutes and flip them over. Cook for 2-3 minutes more. Remove from pan and place them on your garnished serving plate.

In the same pan, heat a bit of oil and add chopped shallots. Cook for about 30 seconds, taking care not to burn the shallots. Add 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, lemon juice and 1 teaspoon chopped parsley. Immediately remove from heat and drizzle over the crabs. Serve with rice or fries.

Another delicious way to eat soft shell crabs is as a sandwich. Cook the crabs same as above without the meuniere. Serve on a bun with tarter sauce, lettuce and tomato.
This is a favorite at the Hayes Street Grill booth at the Ferry Plaza Saturday Farmer’s Market.

Doomsday Averted! For now.....

Everyone can safely return your canned bacon back to the shelves of your underground bunkers. The photo, “bloated pumpkin seeds” that has circulated the internet this week is not, and we repeat is NOT a solo sex photo of OSF, Guy Fieri. This clever fake fooled us too!

Potato Salad

I am attending a work BBQ tomorrow and plan on bringing potato salad. Not that gross German potato salad or anything like that. Good old-fashioned, white trash potato salad. Potato salad should be simple to make and have lots of mayonnaise. Everyone has their own version of it but here is a list of ingredients for the perfect potato salad:

Idaho potatoes
hard boiled eggs
one red onion (or sweet vadalia)
sweet pickle relish
a full jar of mayo (NOT homemade)
Salt
Pepper

If making a batch from a full 5 lb sack of potatoes, you should use 6-10 hard boiled eggs. Also, mix all the ingredients together, chill over night and then taste because you will probably need more mayo, salt & pepper.

And the Top Chef is....

Yeah! Stephanie and her little lamb kicked Lisa's bitch ass.

Wooo!

Richard. Bacon ice cream? Really?

wuss

Eating at my grandparents' house was kind of a dangerous adventure when I was a kid. My dad would always fill my pockets with snacks so I wouldn't eat my lunch when my grandma would babysit.

I should clarify that my grandparents were Gypsies from Romania and Hungary. So, they didn't have a stove. They lived in a trailer and cooked everything over a spit or in a homemade Dutch oven. My dad went over to bring my grandma (mom's mom) something while she was packing lunch for my grandpa like 40 years ago. My grandma was slicing bread and spreading cat food on it. She didn't understand that it was food for cats... she honestly thought it was meat made FROM cats. She thought that was okay. There were plenty of things that were really good, like hobo bread baked with molasses in a tin coffee can on a spit. They also made stuffed cabbage in a giant pot... and scooped them out all smoky and good. Date pudding, holy yum... but, for every good there is a way more not good.

There was a smolder pot that would sit in the embers of a second fire, and it would cook for DAYS. Everyday my grandma would go out and skim off the top of the pot and put it in a container in the icebox. It took me years to look in that pot. Totally a sheep's head. Totally head cheese. Yes, my Gypsy grandparents-- also known for congealed blood pudding, cottage cheese pie, and chicken heart kabobs.

So, there is blood pudding, and there is krvavica
Krvavica is what everyone else thinks of when they think of blood pudding. Black sausage, made from 1 and 1/4 quarts pig's blood, 1/2 cup cubed brown bread, 1 1/2 quarts goat's milk, 1 pound of kidney fat, 1 lb of barley, 1/2 pound of oats, salt, pepper, paprika, and the topper... ground mint.

But, why my dad was adamant that I not eat at my grandparents' house... blood pudding. My grandpa loved to let sheep's blood congeal with cornstarch and chocolate powder and sugar and feed it to my brother and I by the giant spoonful.

Tomatoes don't scare me, I eat salmonella for dessert.

I have a dream

I live in a place that is restaurant challenged. You wouldn't think so, seing as it's a fucking "resort town," yet I can count on one hand the places worth spending some hard-earned lunch or dinner money on.

Finding a place that serves a decent salad is IM-FREAKIN-POSSIBLE. They just don't do salad bars here, and the places the do serve entree salads, well, they don't care, for the most part.

So I want to open a salad restaurant. Yeah, I realize I've only ever been a prep cook and a fry cook, but still, I think I could do it.

Lots of lovely entree salads with fresh, locally grown produce and fresh baked breads and rolls? Maybe some deli-style salad platters?

I'd call it "Saladre," a made-up Spanish word for salad.

What kind of restaurant would you open if you could?

Prepare for Doomsday with Canned Bacon!

If you are as anxiously awaiting doomsday as I am, you will be thrilled to add this nice little addition to your survival kits.....canned bacon! In fact, this lovely site, is full of all kinds of fun stuff to help make the end of the world just a little more luxurious for those of us sure to survive! So stock up!

Hell's Kitchen-Another person's perspective

I worked in a kitchen for 10 years and it takes more than a big ego to handle a busy service at a real restaurant. Hell's Kitchen is not a real kitchen. The problem is that none of them are worthy of running a kitchen like the one they get when they win the game. We would get these kids (like Christina) coming in from the Culinary Academy all puffed up thinking they were hot shit and God’s gift to cooking. One busy service and they were reduced to blithering idiots (deservedly so). None of these idiots could handle it. Maybe Jen. Maybe Cory. Probably not.

OK, now I've digested this...

Still... Bobby? Not Jen? Jen has been a troublemaker ever since the first time Ramsey complimented her and it went straight to her head.

But I have to admire Christina -- well played. She got rid of the strongest contender, because until last night, Bobby was a fairly steady presence in Hell's Kitchen. Sure, just judging by one night, he was the worst, but over all, he has been a fairly safe player.

Ballsy move to put Bobby up, but as long as Ramsey didn't go off the reservation, she couldn't really lose with those nominations. Plus, she seemed to have actually benefitted from having won the first challenge and getting to spend the day picking the brains of some major L.A. chefs.

Now she has to get rid of Corey.

Holy shit

Bobby?

Gordon Ramsey sent Bobby home?

Yeah, he had a bad night, but really? Worse than Jen?

Look what a couple of burned beef wellingtons gets you.

Who even eats beef wellington anymore?

The Next Food Network Star-week 2

What a great show this is turning out to be. My initial impression of Lisa was completely wrong and she may turn out to be my favorite player. Other than Adam that is but that’s because he is a babe and I have a huge crush on him.

This week started with the finalists being woken up at 3am by Robert Irvine, the thick necked chef from Dinner Impossible. He makes me nervous. I don’t know whether it is his freakish upper body or his buck teeth. All I know is that I feel like I need to take a shower after I watch him.

The finalists were divided into teams of three and were shuttled to different locations throughout Manhattan. The object was to test their food knowledge. They would get to their first location (a bakery) where they would be asked a question about a particular food item specific to their location. If they answer correctly, they pick an item for their menu. If they answer incorrectly, one member of the team must complete a type of food prep. For example, team #1 got the first question wrong so Kevin had to kneed and roll out a perfect baguette.

Second location was a cheese shop and the third location was butcher. They all missed the question at the butcher and had to cut up 8 chickens.

The second half of the challenge was to create and serve brunch for 30. Sounds easy, no? Well, they had to do it on a train and prepare it all in 45 minutes featuring the 3 ingredients they acquired in the first part of the challenge. This was the part of the show where Lisa won me over. She was preparing French toast crostini with a honey crème fraiche. She was short crème fraiche for 3 orders and whipped up a new batch using a fork to whip it in 3 minutes flat. She is now my hero. Adam’s runny eggs were disgusting but who cares because I am in love with him.

This brings us to Mipa and her diva fit at panel. You see, Mipa clearly comes from a place where everyone has told her she could do no wrong. Welcome to the real world, honey. She didn’t like what Bobby Flay had to say and left the room like a 4 year old. The fact that she was allowed to stay was inexcusable and in the end, Kevin went home. No great loss there, but I can’t help thinking Mipa should have gone that time.

It was a great episode and I count the moments until I get to see my two crushes Lisa and Adam again!

uh presidential recipes and plagiarism

So I dunno why this was news, but the internet is a thankless and hungry void for information. So The New York Sun published a recipe from each of the potential presidential wives... and Hillary Clinton. (Does Bill not cook, I think it would have been funnier if he published a recipe for an Elvis style clog your arteries sandwich.)

So Hillary put forward an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, wholesome and sweet. Michelle Obama put forth an apple cobbler recipe, how American. AND, Cindy McCain, oddly and off the beaten path, put forth a recipe for passion fruit mousse. I remember reading it and being disturbed thinking of her and old wooden teeth getting busy on the beach with some mousse. TURNS OUT, she plagiarized it straight from the Food Network website.. and the campaign pulled the recipe in embarassment.

Dude, if you can't or don't cook, just make a funny joke about take out menus, or choose like many of the other potential first ladies, not to participate. Don't add your name to some other chef's specialty recipe (which it was).

I wonder if Kucinich's hot hippie wife had a recipe for granola?

Ugh. The Huffington Post did a story on it, but then got the men's recipes. Uh, Bill Clinton's eggs... cause he always cooks you breakfast the morning after. Obama's chili cause he started making it when he was a poor college student and organizer. And John McCain apparently squeezes lemon on his ribs. Take that however you want... but you know there's some fruity oil in their bedroom. Yuck on sooo many levels.

Vegetarians

So, we are having someone over for dinner on Monday and I just found out he is a vegetarian. There goes my plan for an all pork meal. WTF do I cook now? Any suggestions for a kick-ass vegetarian menu?

A wish list

I'm making a list of cookbooks I want on my shelves:

1. Thomas Keller's "The French Laundry Cookbook;"

2. Anthony Bourdain's "Las Halles Cookbook"

3. Mario Batali's "The Babbo Cookbook"

Anyone? What's on your wish list? Which ones would you recommend to others?

Top Chef

Join us as at 2pm at Macys Boston (Downtown Crossing) as we serve up some fun in honor of Pride Week! Get the scoop on a few fabulous recipes featured on Top Chef with a cooking demonstration by Season 4 chef'testants Jennifer and Zoi! Sample their delectable creations while they share tips for the kitchen and their approach to contemporary cuisine. They'll also dish about what it's like to be on this top-rated TV show! It's going to be an afternoon of sheer indulgence too delicious to miss! For directions click here.

Jennifer and Zoi will also be appearing that evening at the Pridelights festival in Boston's South End from 7-9pm. For more information on Pridelights go to www.aac.org/pridelights.

More on Top Chef.....

The more I thought about it today, the happier I was that Antonia was sent packing. First of all, GO HOME CRYBABY! 2nd, the bitch had the nerve to say DURING the challenge, that she was thinking about her restaurant back home. The nerve! She should have been 100% there and not wasting our time by giving us a half assed performance. Good riddance!

Mmm, mmmm, guacamole

My mom made this all the time in the summers, and though it's not "officially" her recipe, to me, it is.

2 medium tomatoes, peeled and chopped
2 Tbsp onion, minced
1 tsp chopped green chiles
2 Tbsp white vinegar
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp fresh-ground pepper
2 avocados, mashed (but not until ready to serve)

Combine everything but the avocados and refrigerate at least an hour. Just before serving, mash the avocados and fold them into the tomato mixture without smashing the tomatoes.

I'd suggest doubling the recipe and getting a big bowl of tortilla chips and rock out.

The Food Network Needs Our Help!

This fall the Food Network will be airing eight hours of Thanksgiving and Holiday specials where our celebrity chefs/stars will be answering viewers’ questions about turkey troubles, dessert disasters, cooking for large family gatherings, and the like.

To differentiate this special from all other holiday themed shows, Food Network is turning to viewers and fans for holiday cooking questions. Questions need to be submitted in the form of a 1-2 min. video and uploaded to www.foodnetwork.com/dearfn

The best videos will be aired on the program and some fans will even be flown to set to be in the audience while their dilemma is answered on-air. Nearly all our star chefs are involved in this new special, Dear Food Network. Go to the website today to ask your questions and upload your video!

Plantains and pork in Puerto Rico

So, here's why I could not be a chef: I don't want to butcher animals or see the face of what I'm cooking or eating.

Tonight the quickfire challenge was to make fried snacks with plantains, and most of them looked really tasty. Fried smashed slices of plantain topped with spicy sauces, meats and slaws.

Cute little Stefanie won, and she did well in the main challenge, too -- after they each had to butcher a 60-pound pig. But Richard's delicious looking malta-glazed ribs and a pickled-watermelon-rind salad with porky bits won him a new car.

91 percent of the TV voters said Lisa needs to pack it in and take that sourpuss home. But that bitch squeaked by again. Antonia went home.

Is next week the end? I can't wait to see what they make for the "meal of a lifetime."

This just in...

Associated Press reports that in Indiana a 13-year-old girl caused a stir by handing out brownies at Indiana University laced with a green leafy substance.

Police were called and the vegetable matter tested on the low range for marijuana, according to AP.

But it turns out the plant was lavendar; the girl had been asked to make a Swedish food for a class project.

Next time, maybe she should try making brownies with that other traditional Swedish ingredient: herring.

Pie crust... it is a problem

Pie is so good, but I always have trouble with the crust. Like most of my jokes, I tend to overwork it.

Having recently finished Jeffrey Steingarten's "The Man Who Ate Everything," I feel inspired to make a pie, and he has an allegedly perfect method of crust-making in there, but it looked like it took the patience of the Sphinx and the time that, well, people who work outside the home don't have.

Does anyone have a good recipe I can try? Or the perfect method?

How do you know when you've overworked it? I mean, is there a tipping point I can recognize and say "Ok, now one more knead and it's ruination?"

IN honor of tomorrow

I'm going to go to the jail tomorrow for a story... so this food post is in honor of my visit.

The Texas Department of Corrections used to keep track of the last meal requested by inmates on death row. It became a morbid obsession for a lot of people, and the most popular state-run website. Part of that is activists used the site to humanize the inmates, another part is that is a question we've asked ourselves.

I feel like near death moments hit us in funny ways, like thinking about a plane crash and asking what meal would you want to be served on the plane, the last meal you would have before being stranded on a desert island and eating fish and sand for the rest of your short survivor-like life. But, there's something sad and something guilty about reading what inmates want. It's the meal of a stingy 10-year-old who's parents say get whatever you want, today is your day. At least in most cases. Then there are the orders that are one last middle finger, like the guy who wants a whole bag of Jolly Ranchers... do you know how long that last meal would take? And there are sad meals, like the guy that asked for a recreation of his daughter's seventh birthday cake, so he could take a picture with it for her, before he died. The prison said no to the last two requests, but they were written down. They recently took the site down.

I don't know. The first time I read it, I had to read them all. I couldn't read a few. And I imagined being at a restaurant with these men (cause most of them are)... I dunno. I just don't know. Here's a link that works... not all the ones I remembered are included in this list.

The Memory Hole delivers the list:
http://www.thememoryhole.org/deaths/texas-final-meals.htm

A chef who made the last meals does a morbid interview about his book I hope no one buys:
http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/food/story/0,,1614126,00.html

One less crybaby

Fell apart. Migraine. Whatever. Gone.

"I don't want to go to Vegas with Jen, she's a bitch"

Matt has lost his shit tonight. Bonkers. I can't wait to see Chef Ramsey go off on him.

Arrogant Jen won the individual challenge with a sliced, stuffed ribeye, and got to go to Vegas. Christina, who was the only other one who had a chance to win that trip, said Jen is a bitch. Duh.

Guilty Pleasures Continued

All this talk about guilty pleasures got me thinking about my Granny’s cooking. She was from Mississippi originally and it was in all her recipes. She was from a generation that would leave the butter out for days, always had buttermilk in her fridge, kept a jar of bacon fat on the stove and used it for everything. She also had a way to use pre-packaged foods in things that would make Sandra Lee fall at her feet in worship.

Below is a recipe for a desert she used to make which I will affectionately call “Granny’s Strawberry Angel Food Delight.”

Ingredients
1 whole angel food cake from the grocery store bakery, cut into cubes
2 boxes of strawberry flavored Jell-O brand gelatin
1 8oz. package of frozen strawberries
1 large tub of Cool Whip topping

Put the cubed angel food cake in a single layer into a 9”x13” Pyrex baking pan.
Prepare the Jell-O per box instructions. Add the frozen strawberries and fold in the entire tub of Cool Whip topping. Poor the Jell-O mixture over the angel food cake covering completely. Chill to set (about 2 hours). Cut into squares. Enjoy!

Oh, yeah!

Hell's Kitchen tonight, bitches!

Last night Andrew Zimmern ate grilled cow udders in a South American restaurant. Stop it.

Salmonella in Tomatoes

An outbreak of salmonella food poisoning first linked to uncooked tomatoes has now been reported in nine states, U.S health officials said Tuesday.

Lab tests have confirmed 40 illnesses in Texas and New Mexico as the same type of salmonella, right down to the genetic fingerprint. An investigation by Texas and New Mexico health authorities and the Indian Health Service tied those cases to uncooked, raw, large tomatoes.

What the fuck is going on??? Didn't you used to be able to eat tomatoes raw like you were eating an apple? I remember doing that as a kid with my grandfather for fuck sake.

Next they will tell us we can't eat raw pork.

guilty pleasures

I'm a big fan of asking people this, because no matter how much of a foodie you are, no matter how political you are about your food or your consumption, or what diet you are on... we all ALL have a guilty pleasure.

My friend Jenn sneaks Taco Bell 7-layer burritos. My sister dips Doritos in tuna fish. My friend Chris cannot pass up three-week-old Halloween candy at the store. AND, my dad still longs for the pre-heart attack days when he could eat a baked bean and bacon fat sandwich on white bread. (He also used Crisco as a spread, no joke.)

A few weeks ago we published a picture of two women wrestling in chocolate pudding. Don't ask. But, one of them was licking her arm in the heat of battle. I do not judge her. That SOOOO would have been me. I don't care if they are so processed that you don't have to refrigerate them. I will eat pudding cups of any kind... even Tapioca... and I will lick the plastic lid.

Don't judge. What's your guilty pleasure?

The Next Food Network Star-Episode 1: Meet the Finalists!

My summer began today with the premier episode of The Next Food Network Star, season 4. What a group we have! They were ushered into a sterile reception room one by one.
This is where we got the great sound bytes from each one that will give us a glimpse into their personalities and catch phrases for there perspective shows if they are chosen as the Next Food Network Star.

We start with Kelsey, a cute little blond from Utah who dubs herself, “a mini Martha Stewart.” Why Kelsey, are you a bitch on wheels who makes her staff only speak when spoken to?

Then comes Kevin from San Diego who goes on and on about "bringing romance back to the kitchen." I wasn’t aware that it ever went away.

Next up is the adorable 19 year old Shane from El Segundo, CA. Apparently, Shane was a Nickelodeon child star and then became the youngest person to graduate from the Culinary Institute of America (CIA). He is also a big cry baby.

Next is Jennifer from Rhode Island who wouldn’t shut up about her kid. We get it, you’re a mom.

Cory, a stand up comic from New York is next. I had high hopes for Cory at the beginning, but she turned out to be a big dud.

Jeffrey from White Plains and Adam from Phillie come in next. They both have great potential I think (Adam more than Jeffrey). It should be interesting to see them progress.

And now we come to Lisa from Dallas. Lisa thinks she is Posh Spice and her big thing is “fine dining.” The problem with that is she is from Dallas and I can’t imagine any sort of quality “fine dining” coming out of Dallas and Posh Spice wouldn’t be caught dead there. I hate Lisa.

Finally we have Aaron from New Jersey and Mipa from Minnesota. Aaron is another one with a lot of potential and the panel and guest judges really liked his food. He especially impressed Iron Chef’s Morimoto and Flay which is a huge big deal.

Mipa is an arrogant bitch and I hate her but not as much as I hate Lisa.

They were all paired up for their first cooking challenge. They were given 30 minutes to cook 3 dishes for a panel of food network stars that included Melon Head De Laurentiis and the Food Network anti-Christ, Sandra Lee. Shane cried at panel which I think might be a common thing this season. Lisa and Mipa both looked like they thought they knew more about food than the judges and Cory went home.

The show was going great until the commercial for that OSF's show came on and I was forced to watch him ram a sandwich into his fat ugly orange face.

Never the less, we are off to a fine start and the drama will unfold weekly I am sure! Until next week!

My job ruined my backup plan

You learn something different at every newspaper you work at, at least in terms of writing and reporting. HOWEVER, the one thing that is a constant lesson in every newsroom I've ever worked in- all nine- is that you learn where the nearest coffee place is, otherwise you are ruined.

My backup plans of becoming the world's foremost female barrista at a tiny cafe in Italy, capable of sight steaming the perfect 212-degree latte, foaming the perfect 15-degree tilt capuccino, brewing the perfect Cubano... have been completely unhinged by my new penchant for entirely artificial cups of coffee.

Why is it that reporters can be trusted with national secrets, the duty to watch over the political process, the duty to be accurate and find heartfelt personal stories, but we cannot be trusted with real milk?

Every day when I got up and went to work at the third largest newspaper in America, I walked to the coffeemaker and poured myself a soupy mix of undercooked water and grinds because old Betty couldn't get hot enough to brew a cup of regular coffee-- so someone thought in their infinite wisdom to increase the amount of grinds in order to increase the strength. Next, because the national health policy reporter told me that it was a bad idea to drink it black, I would add a good four-second pour of powdered creamer and two packets of pink chemical sweetner-- both of which were most likely created by someone perfecting chemical warfare. That was my ``coffee,'' and I would drink three in the morning and maybe one or two in the afternoon.

Today, at a significantly smaller, less well funded newspaper, I poured myself three cups of coffee brewed in what looks like a metal Gatorade cooler and has been welllll seasoned on the inside like an iron skillet. I waged my chemical warfare on the paper cup, and I drank it with little hesitation and no real protest.

I will never be a renowned barrista. I've sold my soul and my backup plan for a caffeine fix.

The search for a perfect homemade cappuccino

One of the best artifacts I found among the Italian architecture was the Bialetti espresso maker, or moka pot.

The one at the villa we stayed at was old and well seasoned, and made the best espresso ever. So when I got home, I ordered one for myself. They are cheap and easy to use, and although you don't get the coveted crema, as you do from an automatic espresso machine, it's yummy. Or yum-o, if you prefer.

So when Crate and Barrel e-mailed me offering a Bialetti cappuccino maker, on sale, of all things, I jumped. Like the espresso pot, you just put the prescribed amount of water in the base, add fine-ground espresso to the middle section and screw on the top. In the top pot, you add some milk -- milk only, the directions say, and believe me, they are right because you do NOT want to use half & half -- and press a button if you want foam or leave the button up if you want latte.

Sounds simple, right? No.

You're supposed to make and throw away the first three pots of coffee, so I figured that would be the time to make sure I knew how the thing worked.

For the first pot, I didn't get the top screwed on right, so hot coffee went all over my stove. I believe it is still burned on to the surface of at least one burner. Second pot, too much water. Third pot, too much milk.

Plus, getting the top pot off again is not that easy, and cleaning the thing is a bitch. So far, I've had exactly four cappuccinos from it, and it's been here for six weeks. I'm going to keep practicing, though.

Anyone else have one? Any tips?