Fuck you, Andrew Zimmern

Dear Andrew Zimmern:

OK, sure, we get that you get paid a million bucks an episode to eat all manner of crazy-ass shit.

We get that you'll drink sake with a fermented, whole salamander in it, that you'll eat eyeballs and testicles and stinky, rotten, half-developed fetal chickens still in their eggs that have been buried in the dirt for 30 days or more.

But how dare you eat us. You came to Alaska and had to try stinkheads -- rotten fish heads -- and you ate ptarmigan cooked on the mufflers of snowmobiles. OK.

But did you have to smush smoked walrus into your obnoxious maw? Did you have to slurp up seal soup? I mean, it's seal meat, you fucknut.

Plus, you ate us. And liked it. You chowed on our blubber, our meat -- even a "pinwheel roast" made from one of our tails.

On behalf of all beautiful sea mammals, fuck you, you evil son of a bitch.

Sincerely,
Beluga Whale

P.S., If you ever come back to Alaska, me and my friends will butt you to death with our large, gelatinous foreheads, smiling as we do it.