Really, truly the last Hell's Kitchen...

...at least until the next season starts. Sure, Ramsay threw me last week with the two-part finale, but I've now recovered. That's why it's Hell's Bitchen. I mean, Hell's Kitchen.

9 p.m.: Here goes the annoying recap that lasts 10 minutes. I'm so glad they can remind us what a bitch Jen is, and how mean Ramsay is sometimes. Oh, the yelling. The tears. The second-degree burns. How I love you, Hell's Kitchen.

9:03 p.m.: I wonder how it feels to be the last two -- Matt and Jen -- who nobody wants. Jen has already said she knows she was chosen second to last because the others are afraid she will outshine them "and I will." She's got balls, that's for sure.

9:05 p.m.: Migraine Matt is already bitching and saying he doesn't respect Christina, even though she's his chef tonight. Petrozza hasn't written anything down, hasn't prepped anything. Somebody's fucked. Jen asked Ramsay for a letter of reccommendation. Migraine Matt is mocking Indian people and making rhymes about chervil.

9:10: Petrozza has already threatened to throw Bitchy Jen out of the kitchen. No you won't. You don't have the nuts.

9:20 p.m.: The chefettes are trying to motivate their teams, but you just know Migraine Matt's going to break down and Bitchy Jen will sabotage Petrozza.

9:24 p.m.: Christina feels hesitant about MM. BJ has an attitude. What a surprise. Who's going to get yelled at first? One bleep so far. Just wait... Bobby's making apps for Petrozza and the lobster streudel looks like cat vomit. It's cold. Cold cat vomit.

9:29 p.m.: MM has to help Louross with apps, and he doesn't know what he's doing. He's getting yelled at. Just a little. Two bleeps. Three bleeps. Petrozza's run out of cheese for his salad. BJ's station's not prepped. No one counted, prep went bad, streudel is running out, too. Four bleeps and Ramsay wants to stop service from Petrozza's kitchen. Aaaaiiieeee.

9:35 p.m.: Petrozza's guts are being ripped out, metaphorically. Bobby can do a lobster risotto to cover. Uh-oh. Christina's entree came back "lukewarmish." Corey, Corey. Come on, sister.

9:38 p.m.: People are starving to death in Petrozza's dining room. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting... MM tries to serve raw fish, and asks "how did it get raw?" MM just told Ramsay to shut up under his breath. Twice. Eight bleeps. Ramsay just let him have it. Nine bleeps. BJ is screwing Petrozza with onion rings. Nine bleeps. 12 bleeps. 15 bleeps. 16. Ramsay just called Jen a bitch. MM has put up raw fish again. 17, 18 bleeps. 19 bleeps and another shut up. 20 bleeps. 21. And commercials... Ooohh! For the new X-Files movie. Hell to the yes!

9:46 p.m.: 22 bleeps. MM said there was was just a little bit raw in the "cree-vice." 24 bleeps. 25 bleeps. The diners love their food. Oh. Oh. It's neck and neck. Who's it going to be? Petrozza can barely hug BJ. The waiting. The waiting. 26 bleeps. It's time to step up to the doors. But there's time for about 20 more commercials. Hands on door handles. Do not turn the handle. Petrozza looks like he;s going to puke. Christina might cry. 1... 2... 3...end scene.

9:55 p.m.: Christina wins! Awww, Louross is so happy. Her mom is crying. Holy 28 bleeps. Petrozza is bawling. Christina wouldn't have won without her team, but she sure as hell won't hire Matt.