Are You Gonna Eat That?

Deen Family Tragedy at Sea

2010-02-02T19:48:00.003-05:00

All hell broke loose on the Celebrity Solstice Caribbean cruise this past week when an unfortunate accident with celebrity chef, Paula Deen, sent the ship into an unwelcome frenzy.

Ms. Deen (with ever present sons Bobby and Jamie at their mother’s teat), onboard for her annual “Cruisin’ with Paula Deen, y’all!,” was signing autographs for the throngs of sad, sad, Paula clones on board when she spotted something in the water out in San Juan Harbor. “It’s a catfish Bobby! Ketch it and we’ll fry it up for supper!” yelled Deen as she pushed the boy over the side. Unfortunately, just at that moment, Ms. Paula’s signature Granny pants slipped down her butter covered thighs collecting around her ankles causing her to fall over board alongside her beloved son. Never one to leave her side, second son Jamie jumped in after his mother and brother screaming, “I’m cummin’ Momma!”

The “catfish” was in fact Pepe the Puerto Rican Porpoise, a beloved mascot of the island territory and smelling the butter and bacon fat stench coming from Ms. Deen’s every pore proceeded to knock Bobby out of the way in order to get closer to what Pepe assumed was a new mate for him to spawn with. The events that followed are too horrific for this blogger to repeat. Suffice it to say the people on that cruise will never look at a stick of butter the same way again!

Arrrrron Sanchez throws down on his Mexican cruise

2010-01-30T23:43:00.003-05:00

He might look mild, but celebrity food judge Arrrrron Sanchez's fundraising Mexican cruise turned into a free-for-all when Bobby Flay showed up to issue a throwdown.

Flay had received a top-secret file that indicated Arrrrrrrrrrron Sanchez's enchyladas were the bomb, to which Flay replied "Pfft. I'm more Mexican than that guy."

The Irish New Yorker, Flay, arrived with an industrial-sized vat of blue corn tortillas and another of chipotelay, but by the time the cooking began, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrron had downed quite a bit of tequila (we heard he ate the worm) and told Flay where to stick his enchiladas:

"In your va-hina, Bobby," Arrrrrron screamed. "You have boobies like a girl."

Arrrrrron told the kitchen staff to get him a large knife, ostensibly to debone a chicken for the dish.

But Flay decided he did not, in fact, "want some of this." He ran for the door, pointy moobs bouncing as he trotted.

Arrron asked if anyone else was in the mood for a throwdown, and when no one stepped up, he cooked a huge, family-style meal of enchiladas and arrrrrroz con crrrrrema to keep the crowd happy.

He was last seen sleeping it off in a lifeboat.

Shame and Shock Rock Ina Garten's Boat

2010-01-30T23:24:00.002-05:00

Renowned Hamptons chef Ina Garten slunk off in shame yesterday after it was revealed the linens on the ship's tables on her bally-hooed cruise were, in actuality, polyester blend.

Garten had invited a veritable who's who of Hamptons life along on her cruise, including her many gay male friends, none of whom know how to cook without her help, as well as Mel Brooks and Saul Zabar, owner of, well, you know.

The table-top nightmare was just the last cheese straw in a series of faux pas that had Garten's Hamptons "friends" gasping.

First, the ship's kitchen crew could not follow her recipe for tarte tatin, and improperly caramelized the apples. Garten was able to fudge her way through it by serving scoops of vanilla-bean ice cream on top of the tarte, but several guests were heard to remark about the lack of dark brown, gooey sauce around the apple slices.

That's when the whispers started among the Hamptons crowd.

Garten had promised a demonstration for the 400 registered cruise attendees, and was able to make pans full of home-baked bleu cheese crackers as snacks, but when Garten tried to actually attend the cocktail party, her Hamptonite guests were shocked.

"We thought she was the kitchen help," said Elaine Kaufman, owner of, well, you know. She quickly chartered a helicopter for herself and Saul Zabar, leaving Mel Brooks holding the crackers.

Dozens Sickened on Guy Fieri “Celebrity Sunscreen Cruise”

2010-01-30T15:18:00.004-05:00

Passengers on a recent celebrity cruise with Guy Fieri were stricken ill by an unexplained chemical reaction due to the stench of Guy’s peroxide drenched hair, natural body odor and sunscreen combined with the salt air.

One passenger told us “At first, when Guy walked in, the stench was so unbelievable that we thought maybe the poor gross thing had you know, crapped in his underpants. We quickly realized that wasn’t it. It was a combo of all the smells radiating off Guy and the salt air. We couldn’t take it, we all just started vomiting on the spot.”

Eventually, nearly five hundred people were helicoptered off the ship and taken to the hospital. All are expected to survive.

Sandra Lee Says “NO WAY” To Celebrity Cruise

2010-01-30T15:12:00.002-05:00

When asked if she would be participating in the trendy and popular “Celebrity Cruise with…..” renowned celebrity chef and author, Sandra Lee, gave a firm thumbs down.

“Have you been on a cruise?” asked Sandy. “Neither have I but I can tell you what they are like. You get your pushy coked out cruise director’s trying to force you to play shuffleboard, then you get your gay purser’s trying to slip it up your husband’s back door every time you turn your head, not to mention the outrageous prices for a cocktail. NO THANKS! When I feel the need to experience a cruise on the sea, I simply invite my best friend, Mary Hart over, we jump in a nice salty bathtub with our cocktails and blow air bubbles in the water with our vaginas. It’s very fun, very cheap, and far more satisfying than spending thousands of dollars on an actual cruise.”

Fried Chicken Shortage Causes Riot and Death on Neely Cruise

2010-01-30T15:07:00.003-05:00

A special “Celebrity Cruise with The Neely’s” turned deadly this week after the kitchen ran out of fried chicken. Passengers, upon learning that no fried chicken would be served after only one day at sea started violently rioting.

According to surviving passengers, people stormed the ship’s Lido Deck and started immediately using their cell phones to attempt to charter helicopters and get them to the nearest Popeye’s. One passenger said “My sister Ko’Londa and I were on our way to the buffet for some fried chicken then they told us there weren’t none left! So we ran up to that Lido Deck and called us a helicopter. But everyone else was doing the same thing. Then the helicopters started arriving and there were just too many, they started crashing into each other, exploding and burning up. People were dying by the thousands, it was just awful.”

In all, nearly two thousand people were killed in the riot. Gina Neely, the wife, was temporarily helicoptered to a hospital after being impaled in the vagina by a ten inch piece of metal that had torn off a wrecked helicopter. The local doctor said he expects Gina Neely to make a full recovery. "She's lucky", the doctor said, "the metal slipped right out with no effort. She's not that tight."

Horror Turns to Joy on Padma Cruise

2010-01-30T14:59:00.001-05:00

Passengers sitting with a very pregnant Padma Lanskehsheeim on a special “Celebrity Cruise with Padma” got a bit more than they bargained recently as they enjoyed their Lobster Bisque.

An eyewitness told us that at first things seemed normal and fine. “We had just been served our soup and Padma was entertaining us all with her numerous if not tedious stories of her glamorous life. She was quite charming, but rather full in the face due to her obvious condition. Suddenly, Padma let out a shriek, jumped on top of the table, hiked up her skirt and like a fire hose, all this fluid started gushing out of her vagina! We didn’t know what to think!”

Luckily, it was just Padma’s water breaking. The eyewitness continued “Once we realize our soup, table and clothes had been drenched in simple embryonic fluid, we all relaxed and continued on with our meal. And it actually made the soup kinda good. It tasted like curry.”

Australians prove Vegetarians are weaklings!

2009-07-02T10:54:00.001-04:00

People who live on vegetarian diets have slightly weaker bones than their meat-eating counterparts, Australian researchers said Thursday.

A joint Australian-Vietnamese study of links between the bones and diet of more than 2,700 people found that vegetarians had bones five percent less dense than meat-eaters, said lead researcher Tuan Nguyen.

The issue was most pronounced in vegans, who excluded all animal products from their diet and whose bones were six percent weaker, Nguyen said.

There was "practically no difference" between the bones of meat-eaters and ovolactovegetarians, who excluded meat and seafood but ate eggs and dairy products, he said.

"The results suggest that vegetarian diets, particularly vegan diets, are associated with lower bone mineral density," Nguyen wrote in the study, which was published Thursday in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.

"But the magnitude of the association is clinically insignificant," he added.

Nguyen, who is from Sydney's Garvan Institute for Medical Research and collaborated on the project with the Pham Ngoc Thach University of Medicine in Ho Chi Minh City, said the question of whether the lower density bones translated to increased fracture risk was yet to be answered.

"Given the rising number of vegetarians, roughly five percent (of people) in western countries, and the widespread incidence of osteoporosis, the issue is worth resolving," he said.

Canadians serve seal, with a side of controversy

2009-07-01T08:50:00.000-04:00

MONTREAL - One evening last week, almost every seat was occupied at Au Cinquième Péché, a bistro in the bustling neighborhood called the Plateau. And almost every table was sampling an appetizer plate that included a specialty of the restaurant’s French-born chef, Benoît Lenglet: a seared, rare loin, dark red in color, with a texture and taste akin to beef tenderloin. But the meat was not beef. It was seal.

Click link to continue reading.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31676849/from/ET/

Laaaaammmberrtt!

2009-02-23T19:02:00.002-05:00

Last night, I made a delicious meal for The Academy Awards. We had marinated lamb chops with a cauliflower puree and a green salad. For dessert, we had chocolate pudding covered in Cool Whip. Scrumptious!

Marinated Lamb Chops:

2 tablespoon honey
2 tablespoon red wine vinegar
2 garlic cloves chopped
1 tablespoon fresh rosemary chopped
1/4 cup olive oil
S&P

Whisk all ingredients together and transfer to a large zip lock plastic bag. Add 4-6 lamb chops and seal bag making sure to release all excess air. Shake bag to thoroughly coat the lamb chops. refrigerate for 2 hours. Grill or broil lamb chops (4 minutes each side for medium).

Cauliflower puree:

1 whole cauliflower broken up into florets. put into sauce pan with 1/2 cup chicken or beef stock, 1 garlic clove smashed. Bring the stock to a boil and cover the pan for about 10 minutes, cooking until the cauliflower is soft to the touch of a fork. Pour the entire contents into a food processor and add 2 tablespoons of butter. Add cream or milk as the mixture purees to desired consistency. S&P to taste.

Southwestern food in the Southeast

2009-02-22T12:39:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week I went to Hilton Head Island for a conference (yawn) and stayed at the Westin, which had shit food and bad service. But this isn't a bitch-about-the-Westin post, it's a rave on the rockin' good Southwestern food I had a Santa Fe, a happy accidental find.

I ventured out from the hotel on Wednesday night to find sustenance that didn't come in a fucking wrap sandwich, and while driving the 278 to the south end of the island, saw this place that looked busy and interesting. I got a seat at the chef's viewing bar, which was kind of fun.

The menu was a single page (good sign -- they're not trying to do a million and one dishes) and ordered Painted Desert Soup, which was described as a roasted corn soup with ancho chile cream. The description did not do it justice at all. It should have said "This soup will make you roll your eyes in ecstasy."

It came in a large, shallow bowl, and looked like a painting. Half the bowl had this ducky yellow corn soup, the other half had a warm orange soup, and across both was a petroglyph shaped streak of deep, rich auburn colored chipotle sauce, with a few spatters of sour cream scattered around.

The corn soup was sweet and yummy, the ancho cream was spicy and bright, and the chipotle smoky and deep. And when I mixed them a bit, the bowl looked like those spin-art pictures we used to make as kids, but tasted like heaven.

Then I got the popular combination plate, which had a goat-cheese chile relleno, a tamale and a wild-mushroom-and-cheese enchilada.

It came on a large plate divided into three sections by the placement of the three items. In what would have been the white space on the plate were three different sauces -- a chile verde, a smoky, tangy red sauce and a spicy red sauce. The relleno was crusted in corn meal and filled with a slightly sweet and spicy goat cheese. The enchilada was made with a corn crepe instead of a tortilla, and was filled with delicious creamy cheese, and the tamale was really just a sweetened masa roll with real corn inside -- no meat anywhere on the plate.

The only side dish to be seen was a small spoonful of corn-black-bean relish under the three items, and it was perfect. No need for rice and beans at all.

De-fucking-lish.

It's one of the best meals I've had since I've been in this part of the country. I wish there was a Santa Fe here in town, because that's where I'd take guests. Four hours is a little long to drive for dinner, but if I'm ever down in that area again (not far from Savannah), I'll definitely go back.

Veal, suckling pig, and a pig's head...what more could a boy ask for?

2009-02-14T09:39:00.002-05:00

Thursday night I made the classic German/Austrian dish, Wiener Schnitzel for dinner. My butcher had some lovely veal cutlets that I just could not resist. It was delicious! The recipe is below. I served mine with roasted potatoes with thyme, salt and pepper and Asparagus.

Last night, we ate out at a new restaurant in our neighborhood called Bina Osteria. I started my meal with Coppa di Testa, a salami made from pig's head. For my entree, I ordered crispy suckling pig confit. It was very good, but Dan's gnocchi was better.
They have a shop next to the restaurant that offers "European goods, house-made breads and pastries, gelati, pastas, and prepared meals." http://www.binaboston.com/a-about.html.

Wiener Schnitzel:

Ingredients:

* 4 veal cutlets (traditional) pounded to 1/4 inch thickness (about 5 oz. each) (you may use chicken or pork, as well)
* 1/4 c. flour (all purpose or brown rice)
* 1/4 tsp. salt
* 1/2 c. bread crumbs
* 2 eggs
* Oil or lard for frying (lard is traditional)

Preparation:

* To pound meat thin you may want to place the cutlet between sheets of plastic wrap for easier washing up. Use a heavy, flat-surface pan to pound if you don’t have a meat mallet.
* Pound the meat evenly to 1/4 inch thickness for best results.
* Do not press the bread crumbs into the meat. The crust should not adhere completely, but form a loose shell around the schnitzel.
* Make sure the breaded meat “swims” in fat. Contrary to instinct, the breading will take on less oil than if the meat is sticking to the pan. Also, the breadcrumb topping has a chance to puff up a little, and your clean up is easier! Wiener Schnitzel in pan.

Set up 3 shallow dishes. Place the flour and 1/2 teaspoon salt in one and breadcrumbs in another. Beat eggs well and place in the third dish.

Heat at least 1/4 inch of oil in the pan to 350°F.

Working one at a time, dredge cutlets first in flour until the surface is completely dry. Dip in egg to coat, allow the excess to drip off for a few seconds and then roll quickly in the breadcrumbs until coated. Do not press breadcrumbs into the meat. Place meat immediately in the pan with the hot oil. Do not crowd the pan. Cook the schnitzel in batches, if necessary.

Fry the schnitzel for 3-4 minutes on one side. You may want to swish them around a little with your fork to make sure they are not sticking to the pan. Turn them over once and fry until both sides are golden brown. Remove from pan, allow the oil to drain off, place on a plate with lemon slices and potato salad or green salad and serve.

Fuck you banana freaks!

2009-02-12T23:18:00.002-05:00

So I innocently walk outside my office building for lunch and what do I see? A whole horde of people in banana costumes and yellow shirts doing some kind of horrifying banana promotion. Why? It was worse than clowns! Yellow everywhere you looked. People pushing and shoving to get anything free they can in these hard economic times. Banana peels everywhere you walked. Oh it was awful, just awful. Please boycott bananas and help prevent this type of promotion from every happening again.

For the love of God, shut the fuck up and let me eat!

2009-02-12T15:20:00.003-05:00

I have had it with people telling me what I can and can't or shouldn't eat. If I want to shove a pipe down a goose's throat and force feed him for the perfect goose liver, who the fuck are you to tell me I can't? .

Last night, I cooked Chilean Sea Bass enjoying every endangered morsel and tonight I am cooking veal. Saturday, for Valentine's Day, I am preparing Duck Liver Croutons to go with my Mussels Meuniere. I have already ordered the duck liver from my butcher. It will be ready for me to pick up tomorrow.

Every member of PETA can suck it for all I care

Soy-Ginger marinated Chilean Sea Bass:

Marinade:
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup rice wine vinegar
2 Tablespoons honey
2 Tablespoons grated ginger
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Marinate sea bass for two hours. Lightly oil cookie sheet. Place marinated bass on cookie sheet and broil for 10 minutes. Serve with your favorite side dish.

Almost peeing my pants

2009-02-11T23:25:00.004-05:00

Well, OK, I never really get THAT excited about stuff anymore, but I'm quite delighted that I finally found my pecorino cheese.

I say "mine" because I so greedily ate every scrap I could get when I was in Florence. We all did. It was the most delicious cheese I've ever eaten, that rustic, sheeps' milk table cheese. Sometimes on bread with fig jam, sometimes with grapes or oranges, sometimes just alone, but guaranteed, when there was some in the house, we were fighting over the last slice.

I found an Italian imports store in Medford, Mass., that has it, with the same label I remember. I've tried to find it everywhere, including at a cheese store in Boston, but with no luck.

Finally, four years later, I will be able to taste it again.

I'm having some people over on Sunday night, and if they are very, very lucky, maybe I will let them have some.

Just a taste.

Plenty of time for adventurous cooking!

2008-11-19T10:58:00.000-05:00

Having just been laid off from my job, I have decided to take this time to try a few recipes I have wanted to try but just haven’t had the time. Like Foie Gras! The Executive Chef at Hayes St. taught me how to make it years ago, but I never really tried it on my own. It will be an adventure!

Vist us often as I will blog my journey through the different recipes I try.

Simply Ming; Simply Delicious!

2008-10-19T12:22:00.003-04:00

Last night, my boyfriend and I went to Blue Ginger for our 6-year anniversary dinner. For those of you who don't know, Blue Ginger is Ming Tsai's (of East Meets West and Simply Ming) flagship restaurant in Wellseley, Mass. What a fabulous meal we had. I was concerned because it bills itself as "asian fusion" and often times, I find this to mean uncreative Thai food. Ming Tsai however has made a career out of east meets west cuisine and is the master of it we found out after dining at Blue Ginger.

I started my meal with Lime Leaf-Crusted Colossal Shrimp with Galangal-Green Mango Salad & Vietnamese Sauce which was exquisite. Dan had the Blue Ginger Clam Chowder with Chinese Clam-Corn Fritter which was also nice. The chowder was good because it was not a cream based soup so it was not heavy and the fritter was excellent.

For entrees, I had a duck breast with an orange marmalade glaze and Blue Ginger's take on vietnamese springroll. Dan had one of the restaurant's signature dishes, Sake-Miso Marinated Alaskan Butterfish with Wasabi Oil, Soy-Lime Syrup and Vegetarian Soba Noodle Sushi. Both dishes were full of flavor and quite spectacular.

For dessert, we shared a Sesame Macadamia Caramel Nut Tart with Toasted Coconut Ice Cream and Housemade Hot Fudge and Gosling’s Rum Caramel which was to die for.

Not a bad meal for an anniversary dinner!

http://www.ming.com/blueginger/

Also...

2008-10-06T23:21:00.003-04:00

I wanted to share this salad I made up:

1 bag of your favorite pre-torn lettuce. I like romaine, but use your favorite
1/2 cup of candied pecan pieces
1 fresh, almost ripe pear, sliced thin
1/4 cup dried cranberries or craisins
cambozola cheese
balsamic vinaigrette made with VERY good quality balsamic, good olive oil, a little dijon mustard and some salt and pepper

I mix the salad with the pears and cranberries, then chill. Just before serving, mix up your dressing and toss the salad, then top with the candied pecans and crumbles or small slices of cambozola.

Mmmmmm.

Made sumpthin' yummy

2008-10-06T23:13:00.003-04:00

So, I decided I wanted to use up a bag of radishes I bought a couple days ago because they looked so good.

I like radishes in a variety of ways, but one way I want to try them is this French thing -- radishes and herbed butter on a toasted baguette.

But I didn't do that tonight.

I made pickled radish/onion/carrot salad. So easy and delicious. Just slice everything very thinly, about an equal amount of each, and marinate in seasoned rice wine vinegar with sugar added to taste. Some people might like it sweeter, but I try not to use much sugar, so I just added about 2 teaspoonsful with about a quarter cup of vinegar. Toss in a pinch of dried red chili peppers if you want a little extra spice. You could add julienne of red pepper, too, and/or some paper-thin slices of fresh ginger. You could even add some cold shrimp or crab meat and snow-pea pods if you want to make it a meal.

It's yummy with a soy-ginger marinated chicken breast, would go good with Asian cold noodle salad, or as a side with sushi or sashimi.

God damn, good Italian

2008-10-03T12:53:00.003-04:00

I stopped getting my hopes up for decent Italian food in America when I got back from Italy and realized it wasn't the same.

But last night, I stopped at a place north of me that had the balls to bill itself as a trattoria, an Italian ristorante. My hopes were not high until I saw the menu.

I had the best bruschetta I've had since Florence. Oh, man was it delicious. Thin rectangles of toasted focaccia topped with mascarpone, a slice of tomato, roasted red peppers and basil, drizzled with olive oil and a tiny bit of red wine vinegar and a little cracked black pepper. Holy cow, it was delicious. Perfect.

I also tried a saltimbocca, which I didn't love, but that wasn't their fault. I haven't ever really been a fan. I should have had eggplant parm. Next time.

Yay to Benny Rappa for restoring my faith!

sooo last of the last cans

2008-09-25T21:15:00.003-04:00

Thank God Lorena lives at my house, otherwise I might have drank half a can of enchilada sauce. Or eaten it like soup which was my second inclination. I was about to go get some vodka when she stuck her finger in it and alerted me it was not clamato juice...

It went very well with my bean and cheese papusas... mmm cornbread crusted pockets of fake meaty cheesy spicy beany goodness... Lorena and I ate them too fast for pictures... but I'll post a picture of the leftovers later. mmmmmm. Kevin. That was my treat can...

I'm glad you guys played.

PS... Kevin, let's recap... cabbage, cabbage, bran dough, spicy enchilada sauce... you were thinking of my digestive track? This is the demon can of bran dough by the way.

I have died and gone to heaven......

2008-09-25T18:50:00.005-04:00

Most people who know me, know I have a psychotic passion for cream puffs. Well I just got turned on to "Beard Papa's" which is a fucking out of this world bakery that is centered around....cream puffs! They are the most heavenly, delicious cream puffs I've ever tasted in my life.

Check out their website at http://www.muginohousa.com/

The final can

2008-09-24T23:05:00.002-04:00

Mmmm. More greens. Collard and mustard in a beefy sauce. It went with my Lean Cuisine chicken and veggies... well, sort of. I drained the sauce and just heated the greens.

Claudia took pictures, but it's after 11 and I'm sleepy.

This was fun!

Day 7, Final Can

2008-09-24T21:01:00.005-04:00

Well, I can honestly say I was pretty pleased with my final can. I made a vegetable pasta for dinner tonight. When I opened my can I was a little nervous and if you look at the picture you can see why.

As I dug around in the muck I realized what it was. Canned Alaskan Salmon! This will go wonderfully with my pasta!

Thank's Peter! And thank you all for playing this game. I had a blast!

Bizarre Foods Rocks, Seriously

2008-09-23T22:54:00.001-04:00

Although nothing could ever top Bizarre Foods in Iceland with the puffin hunt and the rotted shark, a new episode came close but in a different way. Sometimes on the show, Andrew actually chills the fuck out with the "weird" and "bizarre" bullshit and just gets into a country's culinary culture.

Tonight's show was in Goa, India and it fucking rocked. Very, very little bizarre foods, but more fascinating stuff from India, a place I sure hope to visit someday. He went to a spice farm!! I didn't know pepper was a laxative, did you? I never saw a curry leaf on a curry plant before, did you? Great stuff.

And the street food and curries were just out of this world. It was the most informative and interesting show (save Iceland) so far out of all of his shows. Although his bare chest and bald head getting an Indian oil treatment wasn't something I'd care to see again. Over all, the show was excellent. Watch it!

And The Winner of the Can Game Is......LORENA!

2008-09-23T22:49:00.002-04:00

That's it, Lorena wins, I forfeit. I thought I was prepared for my final can, to go along with Korean food ala Hahn's Hibachi, one of the best places to eat ever. Their pot stickers are to die for.

But when I opened my can, what was in it? What was my final treat in a rather fun, if not sick game? Okra soup, that's what. I tried to eat some of it, I really did. But the smell alone made me start to dry heave. And the slimy, oily film across the top from the digusting okra...YUCK YUCK YUCK! So I couldn't do it. You win Lorena.

Day 6 Can 6

2008-09-23T20:55:00.005-04:00

Well, well, well, Karma is a bitch, isn't it? Peter got me good today as he provided me with a can of what I think was small child. human child in fish juice. It didn't really go with my turkey meatloaf.

I ate about 3 bites of it and then threw it up. Claudia, I may have given you bad cans but at least they are not of human flesh.

I can't wait to see what my final can is.

Total Mystery Can 6 - Peter

2008-09-23T20:28:00.003-04:00

Ok, this one baffles me. No idea what the fuck it is. I ate lunch at home (a nice healthy burger and fries and sweet tea!). I opened the can and at first thought it was some kind of chipped beef or corned beef or something even though the can was very tiny, like tuna. But when I tried to poke the VERY solid substance with a fork, it finally broke apart like fish. Yet it didn't smell fishy (unlike the greens). I tasted it and all I could taste was salt. I thought the hominy grits were damn salty, but HA! This was fucking the Great Salt Lake in a can of some fucked up food! What the hell was it?

A two-can day

2008-09-23T19:45:00.005-04:00

So last night I went out for burgers and was too full to do the can thing when I got home, and, well, it worked to my benefit. I opened the last two smaller cans tonight for dinner, and found in the first...

Gravy.

Actually, I ran a fork through the can to make sure it was, indeed, gravy, and that there wasn't some fucked up malignant surprise hidden inside the grey-brown sludge in the can.

Whew. It's just gravy. In a fucking can.

In the second, I discovered...

Potatoes.

Now, I know that for some people, there's nothing better than potatoes and gravy. But these potatoes had some kind of vinegary sauce on them, and little chunks/flecks of some pseudo-meat product.

Plus, I've never really been a gravy eater. I can cook an ass-kicking Thanksgiving dinner, but I never really learned to make gravy and never really liked it so I didn't care.

But since this isn't real gravy anyway -- not if it comes in a can -- I can manage.

I drained the potatoes and threw out the fleck-chunks, then fried them up in a little olive oil, and topped them with gravy gently warmed in the microwave.

Mmmmm. Somewhat vinegary potatoes (please note the "herbs" and "seasoning" that I did not add) and gravy-like substance.

I ate every bite. A whole can of potatoes and about 2/3 of a can of gra... whatever that was.

yuck

2008-09-23T16:51:00.002-04:00

So I opened my can with the intent of taking it with me to work for lunch along with some stirfry... and oh my lord. The contents were some stringy fake beefy stuff, with hard flat things, and then, slimy mushroom skins. Not the mushrooms, but the hollowed out caps. All in some red-brown sauce.

I pinched my nose and vanquished half the can... while my co-worker sort of just stared at me and shook her head.

Since then, oh 2:30, I have felt these churnings in my stomach, which is very unhappy with me. I've had two false alarms of almost puking in the bathroom - a public restroom, eeew. I'm trying to decide if it's mental or if I broke my stomach on something.

I'll post the pictures later and you'll see the brown stew. I normally don't eat fake meat products, besides plain tofu.

Thank God there's only one day left, even if it is the giant can of liquid. Kevin, I would love you if you gave me tomato soup even though it's not my favorite.

Belated day five.

2008-09-23T11:06:00.004-04:00

Apparently I had a canned salad with my lasagna yesterday.

I have been so stoked to eat leftover veggie squash and mushroom lasagna all week. I'm a leftover junkie. Hot food served cold... before this challenge things straight from the can were awesome.

So I opened the can, and it was greens... I'll post a picture in a minute. Or I thought it was. Later I found out this is preserved lettuce... blech.

THey were the saltiest green thing I have ever eaten, it was overwhelming. I drank three glasses of water with my lunch. It turns out the salt was the only nutritional value in the can. And you know what else is unfair about China... it was like a never ending origami can of lettuce... it just kept unfolding and regenerating itself.

I'm about to open another can for lunch... put in tupperware and share the smell with the microwave at work. I think I'll eat it with leftover stirfry with yummy canned sprouts in it.

Peter Day 5

2008-09-22T21:05:00.004-04:00

Well, what an relief, if not a bit uninspired. I was having leftover chicken enchiladas YUM YUM for dinner. I fearfully opened can five and it was peas! Plain old, non fishy, non salted peas! Easy to eat! PHEW!

Day 5, Can 5

2008-09-22T20:23:00.004-04:00

My meal this evening was baked chicken breast with lentils and broccoli.

Having eaten the rest of the Spaghetti-O's for lunch today, I couldn't wait to see what my can was for this evening!

I think they are Ortega Chilis, but I can't be sure as they didn't have much flavor. No matter, I ate half the can. Although, I do have a bit of indigestion now.

What will tomorrow bring, more cat food or something delicious like yesterday?

Peter's Semi-Homemade Enchiladas

2008-09-22T13:22:00.002-04:00

Chicken Enchiladas are quite easy to make. You CAN go crazy if you want and roast up a chicken and make the enchilada sauce from scratch, but as Sandra Lee would say “why bother.” They basically taste the same. Here’s the recipe I use, very very very slightly inspired by Lorena.

Roasted Chicken (I use Safeway’s because they are tender and yummy)
Ortega Enchilada Sauce
Onion
Chopped Olives
Cheese
Sour Cream
Corn tortillas

Take the meat off the chicken. Sautee some onions in olive oil and the mix in the chicken and about a quarter of the chopped olives. Let it cook and get nice and hot. I personally do NOT add any other spices to the chicken mixture, but many people do.
Construct your enchiladas in a casserole pan. Just add chicken to corn tortillas and then attempt to roll them up nicely in the pan, which never works. They always come undone so I just smash them down.

Pour the can of enchilada sauce over the enchiladas. Add grated cheese to the top.
Cover with foil and cook at 400 degrees for about a half hour. Take the foil off and then cook them until the tops are as brown as you want them. I personally don’t like burnt cheese on my enchiladas so I take them out pretty quickly after I take the foil off.

Top with sour cream. Which I forgot to do when I ate them last night damnit!

Day Four - Peter

2008-09-21T22:21:00.003-04:00

I went shopping today after going to the beach with my dog. It was a lovely day in SF. I bought stuff for chicken enchiladas:

So I opened Lorena's can and thankfully, it wasn't near as hideous as the others so far!

I think it was hominy grits or something similar but Lorena obviously bought the ones with extra salt because these things were a fucking salt lick. As you can see, I spooned half the can into my waiting mouth.

Can 4, Day 4

2008-09-21T21:20:00.002-04:00

I feel wealthy.

I made cold whole-wheat noodle salad with red peppers, green onions, pea pods and Asian dressing, and opened a can of...

Smoked Oysters!

Yeah!

I wish I'd had some delicious, buttery crackers to go with them.

I LOVE this game!

Pictures to come as soon as I am done burning discs.

assault and battery....

2008-09-21T20:32:00.005-04:00

....with a deadly can.

One.. it was dented to shit. Two... it hissed at me when I shook it. Three... it smelled like tangy feet when I opened it. Four... the metal from the inside of the can had come off into the contents. Five... it had mold inside.

I am a brave girl... I have a stomach of glass... but I'm still brave. I don't wanna die. And after consulting two people on whether it was an okay idea to participate in my day 4 can... the agreement was no.

Again I ask, what was this supposed to be? I feigned to lick one and was called a moron. Decided, not what I want to be remembered for.

I don't know if you can see it, but this is the mold and peeled metal inside the can....

Either way, I want to know what the F it was?

Day 4, Can 4

2008-09-21T19:30:00.006-04:00

I just opened my 4th can and I couldn't be happier! Peter said one of them would be a treat and I am sure this is it! I prepared a dinner of baked salmon, lentls and a salad and sat down to open my can.

I open my can to find Spaghetti O's and Wieners!

I have a secret love for Spaghetti O's and have since childhood. It doesn't really go with my meal but who cares, I love it!

I ate half the can and am saving the second half for my lunch tomorrow. Thank's Peter!

Pate, Venison and Vienna Sausages

2008-09-20T21:37:00.004-04:00

This evening, Dan and I went out to dinner where I dined on real pate and a lovely venison loin. I came home to have my nightly cup of tea and my 3rd can: Vienna Sausages. Yummy!

I haven't had Vienna Sausages since I was a child. I bet they would taste wonderful with lotus nuts in syrup!

I can't wait to see what is in store for me on Sunday. I am sure it will be just as delicious as these sausages!

Green-y goodness

2008-09-20T21:34:00.004-04:00

Apparently, I've had my RDA of folic acid and Vitamin C today, thanks to my mystery can of mustard greens from the Piggly Wiggly.

Got chicken for dinner (because Jocelyn is now a convert to the Church of Chik-fil-A) and opened my can to find what I thought was spinach, but what Claudia told me was mustard greens. No offensive odor.

I've been eating my stuff straight from the can so far, but I didn't want the juice from the greens to make my chicken soggy.

But I ate the whole can. Yummy!

I think Claudia is disppointed that I have not been grossed out so far. And she asked if I was going to eat chicken for the rest of the week. Maybe I am. But no one ever said there was a rule that I had to vary my entrees.

The true meaning of mystery can

2008-09-20T20:09:00.004-04:00

Twas the hour before dinner and all over my dish
not one smell was churning, not even some fish
The pita was toasted in the oven with care
Anticipating my cans' contents would soon be there

The peanut butter and jelly were warmed in the fire
While visions of the can made my thoughts quite dire
And Lorena in her jammies and me in my keds
Had settled at the table waiting for nasal dread

When after opening my can what should I find
Some hollow mushy white things of some kind
I pinched my nose and broke off a piece
Chewed and squished it to bits with my teeth

I'm afraid dear friends I still do not know
What Kevin possibly could have sent to my home
In that metal can that was mailed to my door
But I'm almost positive it had something to do with corn

Seriously dude, what was this?

I added some spices and toasted it... but in all honesty... I didn't know what it was, or how to cook it... and it was better than raw... but it still tasted like crap. spicy corny crap-- it's what's for dinner.

Suckit Lorena

2008-09-20T17:36:00.006-04:00

Well. Day three. Leftover Vietnamese bbq chicken for lunch. What goes perfectly with v.chicken? Certainly not some sort of "yam" thing, that's for sure.

Luckily, the yams didn't smell up my kitchen which still has a lingering smell of boiled mushrooms/oysters and fish flavored greens!

I'm a bit surprised though. You'd think canned yams wouldn't be terribly offensive to eat, yet somehow, they are. Very offensive.

I'm going out for a beer to try to get rid of the taste of yams still in my oystered, fish greens mouth.

Kevin sucks.

2008-09-19T23:53:00.007-04:00

So, I have decided that Kevin is tactically trying to launch a longterm assault. It's not about opening the can and seeing something you'd rather not ingest. It's about the lingering smell... that has infested our house for two days now.

I was scared of what awaited me because of the sounds eminating from the solid shake.. I was anticipating beans of some kind... dreading the idea of peas or black-eyed peas... but I was in a hurry and decided stir fry was the best option... and I was going to suck it up and eat half a can of whatever solid little treats were swimming around.

This was my dinner.

This was my can.

Really? Ok, so bean sprouts and stir fry, high-five... but I'm kind of worried about the other smelly stringy things that could be in cans from China waiting on my counter. Sauerkraut and bean sprouts... huh...

I was mostly okay, until... I smelled them... and realized that in a can sprouts become... well, disgusting... much like how our trashcan now smells, because Kevin hates flowers and cupcakes, and cinnamon buns and anything else that smells good. He is a hater of pleasant smells.
I tried to contain my excitement for my sprouty dinner.

Brief Interuption of Game For....Sandra Lee!

2008-09-19T23:40:00.002-04:00

God I love Sandra Lee. I'm watching a Food Network show hosted by melon head that features all kinds of FN Stars cooking their "favorite desserts". Even son-fucker Paula Saggy Old Woman Deen is making some fattening thing. But it's Sandra Lee that's stolen the show with her "Semi-Homemade Cherry Pie."

She starts with pre-made, pre-rolled pie dough from the store. One sheet in the bottom of the pan and the other sheet for the top. Sandra purchased a pre-cut lattice work pie cutter thing for the top so you don't have to spend "hours cutting out all those stripes." Sandra also prefers glass pans to give that extra "illusion of homemade" to her pies.

Next, she added a can of cherry pie filling. Since that's so damn sweet, she included a bag of frozen cherries to tarten the mix up. The piece de resistance was some cherry brandy added (one tablespoon) to give it an extra "homemade zing."

She light egg washed the top crust, added a sprinkling of sugar and voila! A semi-homemade masterpiece! One other amusing thing.....last season on FN, Sandra Lee's philosophy utilized the 70-30 rule which is of course 70% pre-made and 30% homemade. This season she's bumped it to 75-25 to save you even more time and hassle!

Peter's Cans Day 2

2008-09-19T21:48:00.002-04:00

Honestly, I'm glad everyone else in the game seems to be in such gung-ho spirits and a cheery "bring it on" type rah-rah attitude. I'm seriously glad everyone is enjoying this game.

I had drinks after work at my local bar. And it got to that point where you either stay and end up drunk hours and hours later, or you leave, get dinner and get home by 6:30 with just a slight buzz. I chose the later. But as I sipped my last cocktail, I started to get anxious over dinner and specifically...the can. I wanted bbq Vietnamese food from this awesome place. But if something filled the room with a stench like those wretched greens did, I'd quickly lose my taste for the Vietnamese treats.

As I feared, I opened a can of soggy, hideous, mushy mushrooms in rancid mushroom juice. The kitchen filled with the stench of rotten well water. I forced myself to eat two forkfulls and that's it. I'm already nervous for tomorrow.

Peter's Can

2008-09-18T20:49:00.002-04:00

Ok, can't figure out how to add to a post and have the stupid photos show up in the right place, or how to delete them!

As I was saying, I had a pork burrito for dinner from one of the numerous taqueria's within walking distance from my house. Ha ha Kev. Here is the photo of that, hopefully:

Ok, the photo is at the top of the page of the burrito. I think.

So I randomly chose one of dear sweet Lorena's cans and at first was happy. Greens! I'm a confederate and I love greens! I heated them up and as they warmed, some fishy smell started filling my kitchen. What the fuck? I ate three bites before the stench of fishy flavored greens made me practically hurl. What the hell was in those because it certainly was not bacon fat! Three bites counts though, it wasn't quite half the can but close. Very very close. Here's the greens in the can with my burrito.

I'm ready for day two!

Kevin's Can Day 1
I prepared myself a lovely London Broil with a nice side salad and sat down with my can in anticipation of what I might find:

I open the can and find:

Pickled Beets!

Child's play. Ate the whole thing. This game is a cinch.

Can 2, Day 2

2008-09-18T16:00:00.004-04:00

I understand that it's risky to do this challenge with breakfast, because what are the odds that what's in the can will go with cereal?

But that's how I roll.

I fixed that nice bowl of flax cereal with extra Omega-3s and skim milk, and chose a can. Claudia was excited to watch me open the can, hence the second photo.

Cranberry sauce! It's like Thanksgiving in September! So far, I have been fortunate.

I ate half, and would have eaten more, but it was very sugary. I'm saving the rest for a turkey san later.

Kevin's Can Day 2:
Well, well, well. I sat down for a nice lunch of chicken salad and my can all ready to go:

I open the can to find what I can only assume is cat food:

Except my cat wanted nothing to do with it.
Tasted better on crackers.

Kevin, what the fuck!!???

2008-09-18T16:00:00.001-04:00

No really... that was Frank's dinner.

So I had an advantage in that my niece spotted the printed letter srkrt on the can... so I made potatoes and veggie chorrizo and sauerkraut... mmmm.

The grossest thing on my plate was the lumpy, tomato-y sloppy joe like chorrizo. Gross. And, we went out and I ate the meal in a tupperware container, and left the remainder in Lorena's trunk when we went inside. So recap... I f'ed myself with the fake chorrizo nono. AND Kevin, you F'ed Lorena because her trunk, our sink, kitchen, trash, house... all of it smells like Kraut.

I can't wait to smell what else you're cooking?

Can 1, Day 1

2008-09-18T16:00:00.000-04:00

I chose to visit my friends at Chik-Fil-A for some chicken strips and slaw, figuring any kind of veggies or fruit would make a happy accompaniment.

I carefully laid out my lunch, then opened my pop-top can.

Hearts! I love artichoke hearts!

I ate the whole can, which left me unable to finish my slaw. But I ate all my chicken like a good girl.

I do not fear this game.

Well, I've managed three bites out of my can and that's all I can do. First of all, I grabbed a delicious pork burrito from a local taqueria (ha ha Kevin, there's ten taqueria's within walking distance of my house).

What Do Lesbians Eat For Dinner?

2008-09-12T21:04:00.001-04:00

A dear friend of mine and her "room mate" are having a fun filled lesbian weekend, surely filled with all kinds of girly goings on. That got me thinking, what do lesbians eat for dinner? Besides carpet of course. If anyone knows, or my lesbian friend can pry herself away from her rowdy and naked weekend of fun, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

Sarah Plailain would LOVE this

2008-09-12T14:53:00.000-04:00

Here's a woman making delicious, nutritious SQUIRREL MELTS on her own hillbilly cooking show. You've heard of tuna melts, right? Yup, yup, these feature squirrel.

It even shows her and her son/daughter (can't tell which) hunting squirrel.

First you poach the skinned squirrel. "It's kind of cute," she says of the hairless, headless little body on her plate. "Put his tender behind into the water," or something like that.

Be sure to top these with co-jack cheese.

Fucking yummy. Yup, yup.

Beware of Sausage Attacks!

2008-09-12T11:42:00.000-04:00

A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.

The officer in charge, describing the crime as one of the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.

Deputies had no problem linking the suspect to the crime as it seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID.

The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying "Pappy's Seasoning" to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

Both the spices and the sausage, police said, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen.

After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, police said.

The money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

That's right, the dog ate the weapon.

Etc.

2008-09-10T16:18:00.000-04:00

I ate dinner last night at a cheap but satisfying Indian restaurant in my neighborhood. It was yummy.

On the menu however was something I find ridiculous yet hilarious at the same time. (Unlike Sarah Palin who's just ridiculous.) Under the ingredients for samosa's was the following description:

Potatoes, peas, etc.

Etc? What the fuck is etc? Oh you know, when you go to an expensive fancy restaurant and your server is describing the specials, they always say "The seared Ahi is seasoned with salt, etc."

Can you imagine watching Paula Deen bake cookies and she then says "Hey y'all, you only need butter, flour, bacon fat etc. for this here recipe." My God, I'd have the food police literarlly tearing her and her large vagina off her sons penises in a flash if she pulled that crap on the Food Network.

Luckily for me, I do happen to know what's in a samosa, so it wasn't really a big deal. Just funny.

Bring it.

2008-09-02T16:22:00.000-04:00

Food and milk from the offspring of cloned animals may already have entered the U.S. food supply, the Food and Drug Administration said on Monday, but it would be impossible to know because there is no difference between cloned and conventional products.

The FDA said in January meat and milk from cloned cattle, swine and goats and their offspring were as safe to eat as products obtained from traditional animals. Before then, farmers and ranchers had followed a voluntary moratorium that prevented the sale of clones and their offspring.

"It is theoretically possible" offspring from clones are in the food supply, said Siobhan DeLancey, an FDA spokeswoman. "I don't know whether they are or not. I could imagine there are not very many of them."

Proponents, including the Biotechnology Industry Organization, say cloned animals are safe and a way to create animals that produce more milk and better meat and are more disease-resistant. There are currently an estimated 600 cloned animals in the United States.

It's Hunting Season!

2008-09-02T12:39:00.000-04:00

Good news everyone! Apparently, there are literally hundreds of Polar bears and therefore no need for them to be on the endangered species list. This means, hunting season is on!

Think of all the meat you can harvest from one mama bear and her cub. Plus, they would make a gorgeous bear skin rug and matching pillow cover!

I wonder if anyone has a good recipe for polar bear jerky...

Cans are sent...

2008-08-30T18:40:00.000-04:00

Seven cans of mystery goodness have been shipped to San Francisco today. Bon appetit!

Idiot.

2008-08-27T18:15:00.001-04:00

Marcel Vigneron, the runner-up of Top Chef 2, was busted in Laguna Beach this past Saturday on suspicion of drunken driving. The foam lover was originally stopped for speeding, but the officer quickly realized bitch was wasted. He was arrested and later released on $2,500 bail.

Even though he spent most of Saturday morning in jail, Marcel still managed to show up to the Pageant of the Masters later that night.

Tool.

I got my cans

2008-08-20T22:39:00.000-04:00

My cans for the Mystery Can Challenge are purchased. Just sitting on the counter, waiting to be sent to San Francisco, where they will be opened and consumed.

Who else is ready?

Nantucket dining

2008-08-19T16:55:00.000-04:00

We just got back from a lovely weekend on Nantucket Island. If you have never been there before, you should make it a point to see it at least once in your life. With its cobblestone streets and lovely little shops and galleries, Nantucket is a wonderful summer get away spot.

We had two exceptional meals while on the island. The first was at American Seasons, a hip little place in downtown Nantucket. The menu is very creative and quite delicious. I started with a foie gras tasting that was very tasty. My entrée was “American Seasons Fish Chips” which was a very creative take on the New England classic. This version was yellow fin tuna wrapped in potato and then quick fried so the potato cooked and the tuna was still rare. This over mashed English peas with a Tartare sauce vinaigrette and lemon confit. It was out of this world and I can’t wait to try it at home.

The next night we dined at Toppers, a fine dining restaurant at the Wauwinet resort and spa. Here I had one of the best meals I have ever had. I started with an heirloom tomato salad which was divine. But the piece de resistance was my entrée titled Piggly Wiggly- Suckling pig served with egg yolk ravioli and a black fig puree and emulsion of corn. The yolk ravioli broke over the succulent baby pig and every bite was covered in eggy goodness. The suckling pig had been milk fed its short little life making it the most delicate and delicious thing I have ever eaten. If you ever get the opportunity to try this dish I highly recommend it.

Nantucket is a wonderful place and Suckling pig is my new favorite dish.

Makeup Does Not Cover up Wrinkles

2008-08-17T16:07:00.000-04:00

So I was watching the Olympics, as I have been doing nonstop since last Friday but today I got very confused. Fencing was on first and I just couldn't figure it out. The Star Wars outfits and the flashing lights on the players helmets made no sense, neither did the rules of the game. I hated it. Then women's indoor cycling came on which confused me even more. There were two cyclists but each going the opposite direction. What's up with that? And their helmuts! More Star Wars? I'll be so glad when the Olympics are over and I can have my normal life back. It's too stressful.

But in between bewildering events, I switched over the the neglected Food Network and there was Paula Dean, screeching away and making "Arnold Palmer Cupcakes." Apparantly, Arnold Palmer likes sweet tea (who doesn't) but mixed with half lemonade. At Paula's incest restaurant, they have a drink called the "Arnold Palmer" which is sweet tea and lemonade. How original. The "Arnold Palmer" cupcakes were nothing more than basic cupcake batter but with some tea and milk thrown in for the "Arnold Palmer" effect. The finished product looked wrinkly and saggy, just like Paula Dean.

The day was saved however by the gorgeous and talented Sandra Lee and her "Ping Pong Party." Sandra made a pork roast with bbq sauce, a salad with pre-packaged vegetables and fruit, and then topped it off with a delicious looking "Butter Beer" which was basically cream soda, sweetened condensed milk and butter. Sandra Lee is perfection. But Paula Dean can go straight to hell.

What Does a Machine Eat?

2008-08-14T12:54:00.001-04:00

Not that anyone really cares what a machine eats during it's days, but just in case....here is Michael Phelp's daily food intake.

Breakfast

Phelps kick starts his day and his metabolism with three fried-egg sandwiches, but with a few customised additions: cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and, of course, mayonnaise.

Amuse-bouche out of the way, he throws back two cups of coffee and sits down to an omelette - containing five eggs - and a bowl of grits, a porridge of coarsely ground corn. He's not finished yet. Bring on the three slices of French toast, with powdered sugar on top to make sure there's no skimping on the calories. And to finish: three chocolate chip pancakes.

Lunch

With breakfast wearing off and the hunger pangs biting, Phelps downs half a kilogram - ie a whole packet - of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches. On white bread with loads of mayo on top. To remove any chance that his body will run out of fuel, he washes this down with about 1,000 calories of energy drink.

Dinner

Time to load up on carbs for the next day's training. Another half kilo of enriched pasta goes down the hatch with a chaser of an entire pizza and another 1,000 calories of energy drinks. And so to bed. As Phelps told US television channel NBC yesterday: "Eat, sleep and swim, that's all I can do."

The rules.

2008-08-13T23:45:00.000-04:00

Ok, the challenge is on. Here are the rules:

1. You can shake the cans before you decide which one to choose.
2. You have to write the cooking instructions on the can in a sharpie, like add a can of water.
3. You must prepare your meal before you open a can.
4. Once you open it, it's your side dish. If you cook it as a dish in addition to what you already prepared, it must be the main ingredient... best of luck.
5. Don't send things that are morally or physically objectionable. If you have questions about it, ask them. If you send Peter a shark fin, he will not eat it. If you send Kevin olives, he won't eat them. If you send Lorena anything made from blood, she's out. Claudia is not going to eat bones.
6. You have to eat at least half of it.
7. Take a picture of your entree and side dish to go with your post.
8. Blog about it. One post for all four, edit it and add your part.
9. You can choose which meal of the day you eat it with, but be careful.

oh wonderous challenge

2008-08-13T20:22:00.000-04:00

The mystery can challenge. I would so do this. Anyone game? L? Is it wrong I still think it's funny to make people eat things they aren't aware of, or um, might not be able to stomach?

Oh the days of mystery tupperware with my brother are coming back to haunt me. I ate a lot of what I still insist is cottage cheese. I know there's no reason to put it in tupperware. But as far as I will ever be concerned it was cottage cheese.

Seriously, game?

Well, thank God for that!

2008-08-12T14:29:00.000-04:00

The Stop & Shop supermarket chain says it will stop selling some species of fish that are threatened by overfishing. Stop & Shop Supermarket Co. of Quincy announced last month that it would stop buying fresh shark. Tracy Taylor, a senior buyer for the largest supermarket chain in New England, says stores also won't restock frozen Chilean sea bass and orange roughy.

I shop at Stop & Shop on a weekly basis and I don’t think I have ever seen any of the fish listed above. Usually it is old swordfish, tasteless cod, and pale salmon.

Food Network Salaries

2008-08-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

Well! Is the loud mouthed pixie worth 18 mil? Where the hell is Sandra Lee on this list? Is Paula Dean hiding cash in her no doubt overly large vagina for her sons to discover in their daily sex games with ma? I find this all very interesting. Very very interesting.

1. Rachael Ray: $18 million
2. Wolfgang Puck: $16 million
3. Gordon Ramsay: $7.5 million
4. Nobu Matsuhisa: $5 million
5. Alain Ducasse: $5 million
6. Mario Batali: $3 million
7. Paula Deen: $4.5 million
8. Tom Colicchio: $2 million
9. Bobby Flay: $1.5 million
10. Anthony Bourdain: $1.5 million

TIGER! GRRRRRR!

2008-08-11T16:36:00.000-04:00

Woman sentenced to home confinement for importing mounted tiger

A Hercules woman who pleaded guilty to illegally importing a mounted tiger from Vietnam has been sentenced to six months of home confinement and three years of probation and must pay $5,000 to a nonprofit group that protects great cats, federal prosecutors announced today.

Nicki Phung, 31, pleaded guilty to a felony violation of the Lacey Act, which prohibits the importation or exportation of wildlife sold in violation of U.S. law. Tigers are considered an endangered species.

Phung was sentenced Friday by U.S. District Judge D. Lowell Jensen and received the same punishment as her boyfriend, 38-year-old Steven Tieu, who was sentenced in April. The couple was accused of importing the stuffed tiger from Ho Chi Minh City in December without proper permits or declarations.

And on that note....a delicious recipe for Traditional Chinese Tiger!

Measure Ingredient
10 ounce tiger meat
1 ounce 1000 year old gingseng
2 slice ginger
5 tiger claws
1 tiger penis (optional,
1 depending on availability)
2 teaspoon finest chinese wine
100 gram tiger bone grind to powder

Blanch tiger meat and penis in hot water first Then put the meat, penis and 1000 year old gingseng to simmer over slow fire for four hours. Add in the tiger bone and simmer for another two hours Serve : Add in the ginger and garnish with the claws. Dish out the delicious, nutritious and exotic tiger soup and serve on a tiger skin carpet Hang the whiskers and the tiger teeth on your door to prevent unwanted intruders.

Hilarious new show to debut on Fine Living Channel

2008-08-11T15:47:00.000-04:00

Martha Stewart is trying something new.

Maybe she thinks if she makes fun of herself, others will stop?

Either way, she's added a new "comedy series" to the Fine Living network. Stewart is trying to appeal to a younger audience.

The show, which is titled Whatever, Martha!, will debut on September 16th and will mock clips from her 1990s cooking and craft show.

And Martha likes to keep it all in the family.

The show will feature two co-hosts, one being Martha's daughter, Alexis Stewart. The other is Jennifer Koppelman Hutt, the daughter of the chairman for Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.

Of the show, Martha says, “They promised not to be mean, and I had to trust them. I’m not going to have a heart attack. I take what I do very seriously, and I think there is a lesson to be learned in every segment. But contrary to popular opinion, I do have a sense of humor.”

Each show will have its own theme, such as “Knitting With Children” and “Painting the Porch” in which Martha wears a "hideous" outfit.

Stewart adds, “I think that 20-somethings and 30-somethings will watch this show and laugh along but still come away learning something. My die-hard fans might get upset. If they do, then they just shouldn’t watch it.”

Google recipes

2008-08-09T11:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes Google is just a nosy bastard. It scans my e-mails for subjects, then tailors the ads around them. But when I go to my spam folder, it gives me recipes for what to do with that shit that comes in a can surrounded by some pink, gelatinous goo.

Potato-chip Spam casserole? Spam sushi? Spicy Spam kabobs?

I'd like to tell Google exactly what it can do with Spam.

But just in case you have a can of Spam lying in wait in your pantry and want to get rid of it before... well, it probably isn't going to get worse with age, but, just in case this sounds good, here's the spicy Spam kabob recipe:

1/4 cup lemon juice
3 Tbsp. minced onion
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 tsp. dried thyme
1 garlic clove, minced
1/2 tsp. whole oregano leaves
1/4 tsp. red pepper flakes
16 pea pods
1 8-ounce can pineapple chunks packed in light juice, drained
1 can SPAM, cut into 24 cubes -- pink jelly goo optional
1 red pepper, cut into 1-inch pieces
4 cups hot cooked rice

Combine first 7 ingredients in 9x12 dish. Wrap pea pods around pineapple chunks. Alternately thread SPAM cubes, pineapple chunks and bell pepper pieces on eight skewers. Place in dish with marinade.

Cover and marinade 2 hours, turning occasionally. Grill kabobs over medium-hot coals 10 minutes, turning occasionally. Or, broil 5 inches from heat source 8-10 minutes, turning occasionally. Serve with hot cooked rice.

Go ahead, if you want. I'm not gonna.

In search of real Mexican food

2008-08-08T11:20:00.001-04:00

I grew up in California and whether most Californian’s like to admit it or not, there is a heavy Mexican influence in California cuisine. It’s funny to me that there is such a hatred for Mexican immigrants in California but people will still eat local burritos or enchiladas without realizing the hypocrisy. But I digress.

I moved out to Boston 4 years ago, and have yet to find any sort of real Mexican food. I am not joking when I say people out here think Taco Bell is Mexican food. You would be lucky to find much else. There is a chain of taquerias called Anna’s and everyone raves about it. I find it to be a tasteless waste of money. Give me a real Mission District burrito any day.

There was one little whole in the wall place in Medford that my sister in law took me to that was the real deal. The food was phenomenal (by Boston standards) and the staff spoke little to no English. The server took our order and then proceeded to go in the back and cook it himself.

It closed a week later. I guess there weren’t enough fajita’s on the menu for the white folk.

Global Warming and You

2008-08-07T18:41:00.000-04:00

Global Warming? I don’t think so. If you live in San Francisco, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The average temperature this week has been a frigid 55 degrees and the fog has been so wet, people are using umbrellas.

So what can we do about this? Plenty. Here are some tips to help speed up Global Warming and find some much needed relief from this cold, freezing summer.

1. Buy Pam from your local corner store and check the date. A few years ago, Pam started making non fluorocarbon spray lard, but you can still find the old stuff in corner stores. It works much better too.

2. Use off brand canned whip cream. This stuff is LOADED with all kinds of ozone depleting chemicals. And it tastes so yummy in hot chocolate, on ice cream sundaes, or just open your mouth and let it rip!

3. Defrost your fridge on a daily basis. Keep your refrigerator nice and fresh by leaving the door open. It burns tons of energy and keeps the fridge smelling nice and fresh. If you are feeling especially hopeful about Global Warming, AND have an older fridge, take an ice pick and poke holes in the cooling unit. This will release Freon directly into the atmosphere thus greatly helping accelerate Global Warming.

4. Change the oil in your car and dump it down the kitchen sink! This causes all kinds of environmental havoc and is a lot easier than finding one of those inconvenient, out of the way disposal places for old oil. Plus, it keeps your drains flowing nice and slick!

5. BBQ! BBQ! BBQ! If you can, bbq your favorite steaks and ribs with coal. If you can’t find coal, just use LOTS of charcoal and LOTS of lighter fluid. (Don’t worry, the lighter fluid burns off). Cook everything on the grill you can and watch your days start to warm up!

6. Dig a well in your yard if you have one. Wells for some reason seem to release/emit a ton of Radon. Radon is very bad. It causes all kinds of chaos in the environment. Be careful with this one though, as it’s carcinogenic too. That’s easily rectified, just turn on fans all throughout your house and leave them running 24/7, which is another way to speed up Global Warming. A double whammy!

These are just a few simple ideas to warm ourselves up this summer. If any of you have other suggestions, please feel free to post a comment and help us SPEED UP GLOBAL WARMING NOW!

Morimoto, how I love you

2008-08-04T00:06:00.000-04:00

Iron Chef Morimoto is so cool he could make me want to eat fish ice cream, which I believe he has made on Iron Chef before. With a deep-fried piece of fish skin as a "biscuit."

I've pretty much given up beef, but Morimoto is making a curried wagyu beef tonight, and damn if I don't want to gobble it up. The secret ingredient is curry, and he's making ice cream.

I bet it fucking ROCKS!

I love when he speaks Japanese and they have to subtitle and/or dub him. I love that he got pissed when Bobby Flay stood on his cutting board. I love that he can make absolutely anything into sushi.

I'd go to NYC just eat at his Morimoto restaurant. I have a feeling it would be well worth the months-long wait list to try some of Morimoto's creations. Actually, I might make a trip to Philly this fall, so I could go there. I should try to get on the waiting list RIGHT NOW!

Bear Attacks Girl in Alaska

2008-07-31T13:51:00.000-04:00

There was an alleged bear attack this week in Alaska and the details slowly emerging are hilarious. Apparantly, some girl was attacked and the bear had a firm grasp on the girls head before do gooders supposedly wrenched her free. The only problem is the girls scalp was torn off in the process of this "bear attack". Doctors probably won't be able to reattach the scalp but are trying anyways.

Bear Sausage
30 lbs. ground bear meat
6 tsp. red pepper
12 lbs. ground pork butt
15 tsp. garlic salt
3 lbs. slab bacon, ground
7 1/2 tsp. pepper

Mix all together. Fry in pan for breakfast sausage, good on pizza, and
makes great meatballs as well.

Alligator eats little boy's arm

2008-07-31T12:34:00.000-04:00

Some little boy in The Ozarks or someplace like that was attacked by an alligator who promptly bit off the kids arm. That got me to thinking, "how would I cook alligator if giving the chance?"

Fried Alligator

Ingredients

Alligator meat
Corn meal
Outdoor Gourmet Cajun seasoning
Peanut oil

Preparation
Cut alligator into small pieces. Coat alligator pieces with oil and lightly season with salt and pepper. Mix the corn meal and the Outdoor Gourmet Cajun Seasoning in a Better Breader. Once the corn meal & seasoning is mixed, add the alligator pieces to the corn meal mixture; shake well.

Cooking Directions
Fill aluminum pot with enough peanut oil to completely cover the alligator once immersed into the pot and preheat to 400 degrees. Place the alligator pieces in the hot peanut oil to cook until golden brown. If you prefer your gator on the spicy side, add cayenne pepper to taste when seasoning the pieces with salt and pepper.

So close...Gordon Ramsey almost eats it.

2008-07-29T14:34:00.000-04:00

The always sunny Gordon Ramsay almost met his maker (Satan) after he fell off of a cliff in Iceland while filming his show, "The F Word."

Gordon told The Sun that he fell from a 28-foot cliff and landed in icy cold water. He said, "I remember thinking, 'Oh fuck'. My boots and my waterproofs were dragging me down. I'm an extremely good swimmer, but I couldn't get to the surface. I was panicking and my lungs were filling with water. When I got to the top after getting my boots off I was dazed and my head was totally numb."

Gordon's crew pulled him back up with a rope. He only had a cut on his leg.

Falling off a cliff wasn't his only brush with death. Gordon was in Iceland to hunt poor, little puffins for his show. One of the puffins bit his nose which required three stitches. The puffin should have aimed lower.

Gordon defended his decision to hunt them, "We had a license to cull 1,000. I didn't realize how difficult they are to cook, but they're very tasty!"

The next time Gordon is in Iceland, the puffins should push him from a higher cliff.

Food Network.. Star?

2008-07-28T18:32:00.000-04:00

Look. I know Aaron is a nice man. How do I know? Because, unlike me, he likes children, he always wears a happy smile and probably never sits alone in the dark with his head in his hands, contemplating the total lack of potential happiness in his future.

But nice does not equal good TV, even on the Food Network.

I was never a fan of Lisa, but I can say with all certainty that I would far rather see a show where she teaches me to make basic ingredients beautiful than I would like to watch Arron "Big Papa" teach me about spices. I'd rather watch Adam shove beer cans filled with garlic up a dead chicken's ass and make it dance, than I would hear Aaron say "You know you're gonna want somma this" 17 times in five minutes while he tops a steak with sweetened plantains.

You know what I want some of? Lisa's fish with the zabaglione sauce. Hell yes! A big plate of her crispy leeks? Oh, baby. Adam's green beans? Mmmmmm. Beer-can chicken? You betcha.

I think the judges settled on Aaron from the very beginning, and did everything they could to help him to justify their decision because he's nice and they just liked him.

OK.

Next Food Network Star: The Big Finale

2008-07-27T22:36:00.000-04:00

Well, I can't say I am happy with the results of the finale and I have said from day one that this show is rigged.

What I am happy about is the show that debut after the finale, "Food Detectives with Ted Allen." You may remember Ted Allen from that horrible show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He was the only non offensive one in that retched bunch. Well, Ted's new Food Network show is about dispelling food myths like "The 5 second rule" or "If a bear shits in the woods." Just kidding on that last one. Anyway, Ted is so much more likable than that fucker Alton Brown and Food Detectives is a riot. Can't wait to see what other myths they tackle!

Outrageous Chocolate Cookies: Recipe for the lawn mower man

2008-07-25T21:59:00.000-04:00

This is always a hit. I made these for my boyfriend and he went completely ape shit.

Outrageous Chocolate Cookies
Do not bake the cookies to a crisp; they are meant to be soft and chewy. Store them in an airtight container at room temperature for two to three days.
Makes 2 dozen.

Ingredients
8 ounces semisweet chocolate, roughly chopped
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
2/3 cup all-purpose flour, spooned and leveled
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
3/4 cup packed light-brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 package (12 ounces) dark chocolate chunks

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Heat chopped chocolate and butter in a microwave-safe bowl in 20-second increments, stirring in between, until almost melted; do not overheat. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt.
2. In a mixing bowl, beat eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla on high speed until light and fluffy. Reduce speed to low; beat in melted chocolate. Mix in flour mixture until just combined. Stir in chocolate chunks.
3. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough 2 to 3 inches apart onto baking sheets. Bake, rotating sheets halfway through, until cookies are shiny and crackly yet soft in centers, 12 to 15 minutes. Cool on sheets 10 minutes; with a thin metal spatula, transfer to racks to cool completely.

Need a recipe

2008-07-25T19:29:00.001-04:00

My kindly next-door neighbor has taken to mowing the part of my lawn that adjoins his, and I want to bake him a little something-something to thank him. I tried some butter cookies last weekend, but they tasted like crap, so I tossed them. I came home today to find he had mowed again, so I really want to make something nice for him.

Any ideas?

The G4 Network's New Food Show!

2008-07-25T13:56:00.000-04:00

The edgy tech-oriented G4 network is seeking to expand its audience with the fascinating and exciting new food show “Hurl!” The premise is simple and easy to digest. You take five or six retarded, idiotic guys, force them to eat massive quantities of disgusting food, then spin them around in various ways until they throw up. The person who lasts the longest without vomiting wins a thousand bucks.

The episode I watched was hilarious. The contestants first had to slurp down as much cream of spinach soup as possible in five minutes without “hurling” it up. (One contestant managed 50 ounces!) The three contestants who managed to keep their soup down then were put on a crazy assed carnival ride sometimes called a “Loop-o-plane” or “Hammer” for another five minutes. Only two managed to complete the ride without vomiting.

For the final challenge, the two remaining contestants had to eat tuna-noodle casserole for five minutes. Unfortunately, one guy lasted about ten seconds before heaving his guts into a pail while the audience jeered and mocked him. The winner, a surfer dude with an IQ of about 4, pumped his fists in the air as he collected his thousand-dollar winnings.

Other shows feature macaroni and cheese, organic milk and pumpkin pie food challenges. Personally, I think they need more fish and corn type dishes for the ultimate puking gross out.

I highly recommend this show. The Food Network better watch their asses, because G4 is turning out to be some stiff competition in the food arena!

Next Food Network Star

2008-07-22T14:21:00.000-04:00

Our three finalists were accosted by OSF and told they would each be doing a 30 second promo at various Las Vegas locales. Lisa was at the Wynn where she was hooked up to wires and suspended in mid air ala Mission Impossible. Aaron was at a craps table and Adam was in a tux with some showgirls. Pretty boring stuff really.

For the food challenge, they had to prepare a spectacular buffet and would be judged by drag queens and jugglers and would have to present in front of them. Lisa’s food rocked and we found out she can sing. Is there anything she can’t do? Aaron’s food was all pasta and his presentation was uncomfortable and embarrassing. Adam did the only thing he knows how to do-smoked meat.

The panel decided it was too hard of a decision to kick someone out so they are letting all three into the finale. This pisses me off. I don’t think Aaron deserves to be there at all. He has continually sucked in front of the camera and I know I wouldn’t watch a show starring his boring ass. Adam is a one trick pony but is good in front of the camera.

Lisa better pull out all the stops next week because I think the panel wants Aaron to win.

Food Network Fail - 3

2008-07-21T16:24:00.000-04:00

Paula Deen. Honestly Paula, you make me sick. Even though I too enjoy licking bacon fat and butter off the naked bodies of my two gross sons, I don’t go around screeching about it like you do.

Elton Brown. Elton, you aren’t funny. As someone who IS funny, trust me. You aren’t. You are an idiot. And you are ugly. Very ugly. As far as I’m concerned, you make Iron Chef America even worse than it already is.

Michael Symon. Iron Chef America was already a dreadfully boring show and then you came along. With your beady eyes, your gross facial hair and your way too shiny bald head….you are hideous. I too have a balding head and beady eyes, but at least I don’t parade around on tv, proudly showing off something that should be kept at home in the dark! And now from what I understand, you are hosting Dinner Impossible too. Great. Just fucking great.

The Neely’s. Where do I start? First of all, I’m black and I don’t talk like the Neely’s. Is this the kind of thing we have to look forward to if Obama wins the election? I’m afraid so. But I suppose it’s better than watching a bunch of cooking show with an uptight, pinch-faced WASP with an ugly old man for a husband. It’s going to be a trying four years.

Anthony Boudain. I too smoke a hundred cigarettes a day and easily drink 12 or 13 cocktails with each meal, but where do you get off being so cocky? You are ugly, have a terrible body that you show off in way too revealing clothes, and you have bad teeth. Quite frankly, you don’t write that well either.

Giardia DeLeRentia. I too have a melon head but I’m respectful enough to stay INDOORS and keep my bulbous head hidden from the public! And has anyone mentioned that you have freakishly small hands, almost like a midget or something?

Sandra Lee. I don’t hate Sandra Lee. I love her. Watching “Semi-HomeMade” is like watching a Crush Porn video. You are repulsed and want to turn away yet you find yourself screaming at the screen “You SQUISH that bug girl! You take that spiky pump and SQUASH that bug into the ground! “ First thing you know, you have an entire collection of Crush videos and love them. Sandra Lee is the same way. She fulfills a purpose and does a mighty fine job at making our lives just a little simpler. Thank you Sandra, I love you!

Food Network Fail Part 2

2008-07-18T15:13:00.000-04:00

1. Tyler Florence; what happened to you? I remember you all young and studly on Food 911 and then you had to pull a Jamie Oliver and get all puffy and fat. Now you are doing endorsements for Appleby’s? So sad. Fuck off.

2. Which brings me to Jamie Oliver. Another one who started out so young, cute and cuddly. Now, like all British men over the age of 25, you are puffy and ugly. And this whole fresh organic cooking thing you preach about? Buddy, your British, everything you make is grey and taste like paste.

3. Anthony Bourdain. I know you are no longer on the Food Network, but I just need to tell you something. I hate your fucking guts. Drop dead.

Food Network: Fail

2008-07-16T12:25:00.000-04:00

Memo to: Food Network
Re: How you fail

1. What the hell have you done with Mario Batali? Oh, I see, you've replaced one of the country's best chefs with Rachel Ray, Sandra Lee and Sunny Fucking Anderson. Why does she get a show? Because she's an Iraq War veteran? Bitch, please. She makes the same half-ass food as Rachel Ray, which brings me to my next complaint...

2. Why are there so many Rachel Ray shows? Why, if she makes 30-minute meals, are there hours and hours of her? 30 minutes should be enough. In fact, it's about 30 minutes too much for me, but I understand that I'm the minority.

3. Duff whatever-your-asshat-cakes-is: I'm not saying I could do better, because I don't pretend to be an artist. But your cakes aren't that goddamn cool. Most of the time they look like a kid put them together. Sometimes, they look like a short-bus rider did it. Mike McCarey from Mike's Amazing Cakes is far, far better, but he doesn't have his own show because he doesn't have hip, anti-establishment friends and use power tools. Whatev.

4. Nigella Lawson, you're kinda creepy. I thought at first the way you described food was interesting, but now after watching you almost food-gasm everytime there's a piece of chocolate near you, it's smarmy and it's getting kind of gross.

5. Alton Brown -- I dig that you're a smart geek and you like science and teaching. But the stupid gimmicks, the dumb gags, please. Just stop. I like learning from you, but why you gotta dress up like the Earl of Sandwich? Or pretend to be a time traveler? Can't you just cook? Please?

666: Sandra Lee. I can't. I can't even begin to explain your reign of suckiness. You're Queen of Suckistan. You're the suckiest suck that ever sucked. You have no idea what I'd like to do with that can of store-bought frosting you're brandishing right now.

7. Sunny Anderson gets two shows? Here's how it ended up on my plate, bitch: I bought it, brought it home and put it there. Now leave.

Fuck you, Andrew Zimmern

2008-07-15T21:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Andrew Zimmern:

OK, sure, we get that you get paid a million bucks an episode to eat all manner of crazy-ass shit.

We get that you'll drink sake with a fermented, whole salamander in it, that you'll eat eyeballs and testicles and stinky, rotten, half-developed fetal chickens still in their eggs that have been buried in the dirt for 30 days or more.

But how dare you eat us. You came to Alaska and had to try stinkheads -- rotten fish heads -- and you ate ptarmigan cooked on the mufflers of snowmobiles. OK.

But did you have to smush smoked walrus into your obnoxious maw? Did you have to slurp up seal soup? I mean, it's seal meat, you fucknut.

Plus, you ate us. And liked it. You chowed on our blubber, our meat -- even a "pinwheel roast" made from one of our tails.

On behalf of all beautiful sea mammals, fuck you, you evil son of a bitch.

Sincerely,
Beluga Whale

P.S., If you ever come back to Alaska, me and my friends will butt you to death with our large, gelatinous foreheads, smiling as we do it.

The end of Ashley

2008-07-14T20:59:00.001-04:00

Did that really happen? Is Ashley really gone? Could our Lisa possibly win?

Tonight's episode was a nail biter! Our final four were flown to Las Vegas where Bobby Flay met them at his restaurant Mesa Grill at Caesar's Palace. And then the unthinkable happened. He introduced the special guest for this week, Paula Dean. For those of you who are new to this blog and may not know our feelings about Paula Dean, I will explain. Paula Dean is a scary woman from Georgia who likes to roll around naked in butter and pig fat with her two gross sons. And apparently, like Martha Stewart, is a Checkerboard Chick.

In an homage to Bobby Flay, our finalists had to perform a "Throwdown." they were paired off and each had to make their signature dish as well as their version of the other person's signature dish. Up first were Adam and my girl, Lisa. Lisa's signature dish was cassoulet and Adam's was mac and cheese. Poor Lisa. I don't think she had ever made mac and cheese. I say this because she put goat cheese in it. Goat cheese does not belong anywhere near mac and cheese. Gorgonzola? Yes. Goat cheese? Absolutely not. Just ask that Paula Dean, she hated it. Although she also admitted to having never had a cassoulet. Stupid hick.

Next up were Aaron and Kelsey and their signature dishes were stuffed pork loin (aaron) and chicken parmigiana (ashley). Aaron did great in spite of the fact that he forgot he was supposed to be making the second dish until about 18 minutes before time was up. Paula Dean clearly wanted a piece of his pork loin if you catch my drift. Ashley/Kelsey fucked up royally and was sent home to the shock of everyone watching. We all thought she had this show in the bag. Now it is any one's game. Go Lisa!

If that Adam wins I am going to throw all my cast iron skillets out with the morning trash.

$1 Room for ONE DOLLAR in bright, clean apartment (Cambridge)

2008-07-14T16:38:00.000-04:00

I found this post on Craigslist today. Hilarious:

I am looking for someone to rent the spare bedroom in my spacious 2-bedroom apartment in picturesque and desirable Cambridge. You must read carefully, however, as this situation is not suitable for all.

The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed. No exceptions and no excuses. Hell or high water, those cookies better be done and yummy.

Cookies are always cookies and never biscuits. I do not eat "biscuits".

I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing by 9 p.m. of that day. You are responsible for the recipe and ALL the ingredients (at your expense, of course). The kitchen is large and well equipped with cookie sheets, rolling pins, mixing bowls, etc. You may NOT hum or sing as you prepare the cookies. You may, however, recite song lyrics in a normal speaking voice.

Forbidden ingredients include anise, marjoram, allspice, caraway, and oats. I will nevertheless request oatmeal cookies from time to time and you must find a way to make them without oats. Good luck with that. The worst ingredient of all, though, is NUTMEG. If even one speck of nutmeg, even the tracest amount of the stuff, is discovered in my home, I will pour vinegar on your belongings and chuck them in the street. You may assume the locks will be changed. You may use cinnamon, cloves, and raisins, though I am rather indifferent to these and will likely not be impressed. Chocolate is encouraged, as is vanilla bean extract.

You will be given three cookie cutters: a crescent moon, a star, and a doggie in profile. All cookies must be in one of those three shapes. The doggies must be given names and all the names must be different and cute. Cuteness is my call, not yours. For example, "Smuggins" is cute but "Lionel" is not.

The cookies must be artfully arranged on a lace cloth on a silver platter and garnished. Permissible garnishes include jellied fruits and candied flowers. Sugared figs are under review, but don't get your hopes up.

Your room contains a twin bed, a dresser, a desk w/chair, and a TV with cable access. The TV is tuned permanently to the Food Network. You may watch only shows featuring cookies and cookie by-products.

If you are interested in this arrangement, please submit the following:

1) Your favorite cookie recipe
2) A picture of tasty cookies
3) A short original poem about cookies

Thank you.

Dog meat off the menu during Beijing Olympics

2008-07-11T10:22:00.000-04:00

Canine cuisine is being sent to the doghouse during next month's Beijing Olympic Games.

Dog meat has been struck from the menus of officially designated Olympic restaurants, and Beijing tourism officials are telling other outlets to discourage consumers from ordering dishes made from dogs, the official Xinhua News Agency reported Friday.

Waiters and waitresses should "patiently" suggest other options to diners who order dog, it said, quoting city tourism bureau Vice Director Xiong Yumei. Dog, known in Chinese as "xiangrou," or "fragrant meat," is eaten by some Chinese for its purported health-giving qualities.

Beijing isn't the first Olympic host to slap a ban on the dish. South Korea banned dog meat during the 1988 Seoul Olympics by invoking a law prohibiting the sale of "foods deemed unsightly." After the Olympics, the ban was not strictly enforced.

Cucumber Martini - The Perfect Summer Cocktail

2008-07-10T13:01:00.001-04:00

It's been dreadfully hot this week in San Francisco so my roommate and I decided to go out in search of a refreshing cocktail last night. We went to this swanky little place on the outskirts of the Tenderloin called "olive". Obviously, a place called "Olive" specializes in what else...martini's.

I'm not big on martini's myself but decided to try one of their house specialties, a Cucumber Martini. And damn! It rocked! The bartender smashed up some fresh cucumber into his mixer thing, then added gin and vermouth. He then strained it into a proper martini glass and floated a nice slice of cucumber in the glass. This cocktail is mildly sweet, refreshing and just plain yummy!

Screw the trendy Apple-tini's and Cosmo's, and grab yourself a Cucumber Martini!

You'll eat it in Vietnam

2008-07-09T16:33:00.000-04:00

Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" episode two nights ago was from Vietnam (probably a rerun), and in it, one of the Vietnamese Central Committee members takes Tony into the previously forbidden hills to tour the countryside.

They stop along the way and the committee member has to convince a local restaurauteur to open her shop and feed them. She agrees, but what she is serving is some kind of woodland creature for which no one seems to know the American word.

The committee member, who speaks very good English, says the cook will be preparing "squeasel."

The fuck is squeasel? It is weasel? Weasel that's been squeezed? Maybe weasel that's been squeezed to death by a boa constrictor. I dunno, but I can't wait to find out.

Bourdain wants to know, too, and he's willing to eat it, even after he sees the cook chopping it up and cannot identify it by sight. It looks nothing like any kind of meat you, I or Bourdain have/has ever seen.

It looks disgusting.

Well, raw meat isn't one of the world's prettiest sights, anyway. Probably why Michelangelo never sculpted it, DaVinci never painted it and Dante never wrote poetry about it. It's just meat.

But squeasel? That's a whole different kind of ugly. Even cooked, it looks nast.

Long story sort of short, it turns out squeasel is porcupine.

But from here on out, "squeasel" is going to be the word for anything that cannot be immediately identified and looks suspect.

It's my new favorite word.

Really, truly the last Hell's Kitchen...

2008-07-08T20:53:00.000-04:00

...at least until the next season starts. Sure, Ramsay threw me last week with the two-part finale, but I've now recovered. That's why it's Hell's Bitchen. I mean, Hell's Kitchen.

9 p.m.: Here goes the annoying recap that lasts 10 minutes. I'm so glad they can remind us what a bitch Jen is, and how mean Ramsay is sometimes. Oh, the yelling. The tears. The second-degree burns. How I love you, Hell's Kitchen.

9:03 p.m.: I wonder how it feels to be the last two -- Matt and Jen -- who nobody wants. Jen has already said she knows she was chosen second to last because the others are afraid she will outshine them "and I will." She's got balls, that's for sure.

9:05 p.m.: Migraine Matt is already bitching and saying he doesn't respect Christina, even though she's his chef tonight. Petrozza hasn't written anything down, hasn't prepped anything. Somebody's fucked. Jen asked Ramsay for a letter of reccommendation. Migraine Matt is mocking Indian people and making rhymes about chervil.

9:10: Petrozza has already threatened to throw Bitchy Jen out of the kitchen. No you won't. You don't have the nuts.

9:20 p.m.: The chefettes are trying to motivate their teams, but you just know Migraine Matt's going to break down and Bitchy Jen will sabotage Petrozza.

9:24 p.m.: Christina feels hesitant about MM. BJ has an attitude. What a surprise. Who's going to get yelled at first? One bleep so far. Just wait... Bobby's making apps for Petrozza and the lobster streudel looks like cat vomit. It's cold. Cold cat vomit.

9:29 p.m.: MM has to help Louross with apps, and he doesn't know what he's doing. He's getting yelled at. Just a little. Two bleeps. Three bleeps. Petrozza's run out of cheese for his salad. BJ's station's not prepped. No one counted, prep went bad, streudel is running out, too. Four bleeps and Ramsay wants to stop service from Petrozza's kitchen. Aaaaiiieeee.

9:35 p.m.: Petrozza's guts are being ripped out, metaphorically. Bobby can do a lobster risotto to cover. Uh-oh. Christina's entree came back "lukewarmish." Corey, Corey. Come on, sister.

9:38 p.m.: People are starving to death in Petrozza's dining room. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting... MM tries to serve raw fish, and asks "how did it get raw?" MM just told Ramsay to shut up under his breath. Twice. Eight bleeps. Ramsay just let him have it. Nine bleeps. BJ is screwing Petrozza with onion rings. Nine bleeps. 12 bleeps. 15 bleeps. 16. Ramsay just called Jen a bitch. MM has put up raw fish again. 17, 18 bleeps. 19 bleeps and another shut up. 20 bleeps. 21. And commercials... Ooohh! For the new X-Files movie. Hell to the yes!

9:46 p.m.: 22 bleeps. MM said there was was just a little bit raw in the "cree-vice." 24 bleeps. 25 bleeps. The diners love their food. Oh. Oh. It's neck and neck. Who's it going to be? Petrozza can barely hug BJ. The waiting. The waiting. 26 bleeps. It's time to step up to the doors. But there's time for about 20 more commercials. Hands on door handles. Do not turn the handle. Petrozza looks like he;s going to puke. Christina might cry. 1... 2... 3...end scene.

9:55 p.m.: Christina wins! Awww, Louross is so happy. Her mom is crying. Holy 28 bleeps. Petrozza is bawling. Christina wouldn't have won without her team, but she sure as hell won't hire Matt.

Bizarre Foods Iceland (home of Bjork)

2008-07-08T19:34:00.000-04:00

Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel is one of my favorite shows. I love Andrew Zimmern and I’m always pleasantly horrified at some of the disgusting things he eats in the many exotic locations he visits. But nothing can hold a candle to his recent episode from Iceland.

The show started off with Andrew trying rotten shark meat. Yes, rotten. Apparently, in Iceland, there’s a very large population of some weird shark. The only problem is, this particular species of shark is ultra high in iodine so if you eat the meat, you vomit blood and then you die. This didn’t discourage the cute little pudgy faced, squinty eyed Icelanders though! Ages ago, the people of Iceland were bound and determined to figure out a way to safely eat this shark, so they started experimenting over the course of years. Yes, years. They finally figured out that if you hang this shark on a hook and let it rot for several months, the iodine content is reduced and voila! It’s shark for dinner! YUM!

Another segment I found hilarious was Andrew’s puffin hunt. Puffin’s are those cute little penguin typed birds that you see in Alaska everywhere and are quite a popular tourist attraction. They are totally protected and loved and treasured in Alaska. Not so in Iceland. The Icy’s eat puffins practically raw with their pudgy little fingers!

To catch these precious little birds, Andrew and his local friends hid on one side of a steep hill overlooking a main puffin thoroughfare. As the innocent birds happily flew over the top of the mountain, Andrew and co. were waiting with huge nets to swoop the birds up and then SLAM them down onto the ground, which either stunned the puffins or shattered their fragile little skulls. After cleaning the dead birds, the happy group all treated themselves to a bbq of MEDIUM RARE puffin meat. YUM!

In another fascinating and hysterical segment of the Iceland Bizarre Foods, Andrew visits a plain and matronly looking woman at her farm. This lovely woman is fixing a special treat for her children for dinner….blood pudding. Blood pudding is made from a huge bucket of fresh lamb blood. She strains the blood into a mixing bowl, and then adds oats and grains before pouring the bloody mix into little containers she’s made with sheep stomach lining. She said the kids love it. YUM!

There’s much more fun in this episode but I’ll leave it for you to discover and treasure yourselves. So if you get the chance, WATCH THIS EPISODE. It’s good TV at its absolute finest.

Lisa Tanks on Next Food Network Star

2008-07-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

Lisa! What the hell happened? You had the entire competition in the palms of your flawless and elegant hands. First you manipulated your snot nosed little Girl Scout into agreeing with your menu of steak and couscous. The little brat even adored you! Then you started out with a bang and even Rachel Ray was impressed. You only had four minutes to fill and for the first two, I was standing in front of the television, pulling out my hair and screaming your name in utter ecstasy. Then suddenly….you turned off. It’s like your brain froze or something. You spent the last two minutes of your segment saying NOTHING. Absolutely nothing! What the fuck? Was it Rachel Ray? Did she pinch you really hard off camera, like she’s known to do? Did she hiss at you under her breath? Does she smell and it finally got to your delicate nose?

Oh Lisa, I’m so disappointed. Thankfully they kept you on for another week, but girl….you better get used to the camera otherwise your ass it out of there!

The other contestants didn’t do so well either, except for the wannabe comedienne. He was funny. Ashley, or Tilsday or whatever the hell her over-caffeinated cheerleader name is was horrible. I’d rather rip my eyes out than watch her for a half hour nonstop. The black dude turned his back on the audience AND Rachel Ray for about a minute and believe me, Rachel Ray did NOT like that. And the 18 years old going on 50 years old Shane didn’t even bother to learn his girl scout’s name. Shane even had the audacity to say something about “using his experience” to cook well. He’s only 18 for god’s sake. How much “experience” does he have? He’s never even been to France yet he fancies himself an expert French chef. HA! Luckily it was GO HOME for old man Shane. And good riddance!

Lisa still has a chance but that irritating Ashley may end up taking the whole thing. I hope not. Keep your fingers crossed for Lisa!

Another thing...

2008-07-06T12:26:00.001-04:00

Is anyone but me really freaking sick of Ace of Cakes? I haven't seen Duff get out a power tool in ages, and wasn't that his schtick?

Somebody stop the evil

2008-07-06T12:14:00.000-04:00

There's a Sandra Lee marathon on Food Network today. Sweet Nancy Moses! I'm afraid to look and see what kind of culinary evil she's committing. Maybe some canned cake frosting? Perhaps some packaged cookie mix? Oh yeah. It's pre-packaged oatmeal cookies and rum! Rum! Yeah, that makes it taste homemade. Oh, wait, I get it... you add your own eggs and THAT'S the homemade part.

She's planning a "super-special" anniversary party for her "friends," and she's making Boboli-crust pizza and packaged cookies. Impressive.

One thing's for sure, she'll be making rummy cocktails because why open a new bottle and not finish it off? Nope, she's cracking open a whole new bottle of booze for key-lime martinis.

Soon she'll be laying out her tablescape with shit she bought at the Dollar Store. Can't wait.

summer treats

2008-07-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

Mini ice cream cakes:

Buy mini cupcake tins, non-stick spray them.
Spoon two teaspoons of favorite cake batter in bottom, bake until toothpick clean, about 10 minutes.
Loosen sides, put in freezer for about an hour. Half an hour before they come out, take favorite flavor ice cream out of freezer to soften. Yeah. I prefer chocolate cake and mint chip ice cream. Spoon ice cream on top of cakes, level off, put back in freezer.

Here is the fun part. You can use Magic Shell (that store-bought stuff that hardens when it gets cold... or you can make some homemade ganache (whipping cream, dark chocolate melted... easy.). Once ice cream is hard again, 1 to 1.5 hours, LOOSEN the sides and pour or spread choice mixture on top. Add nuts or sprinkles before it hardens. If you use the Magic Shell (which comes in strawberry and chocolate), you have to put those sprinkles on quickly, but for little kids, it makes it less messy and melty. For the rest of us, who could eat the mini cupcakes in two to three bites, the ganache tastes really good. Put back in freezer for half hour.

When you serve them, make sure everyone is ready for dessert, or you'll have a mess.

Liveblogging the finale

2008-07-01T21:07:00.000-04:00

10: We'll find out next week. My summer TV viewing is not over yet. Looks like it'll be hotter next week.

9:57: Petrozza takes Bobby first. Christina takes Corey. Petrozza takes Ben. Christina takes Louross. Petrozza takes ...

9:56: Migraine Matt is back. So is Bitchy Jen.

9:54: Finally, it's the last day in Hell's Kitchen. Six bleeps.

9:50: Four bleeps. Five bleeps.

9:48: Whoopi Goldberg shows up to wish them luck. Why does she not look any older than she did 20 years ago? Back home, their restaurants are not done and Christina hates hers.

9:47: Petrozza wins the challenge. Bitches, we have not even gotten to the part where they pick their teams. This has to be a two-part finale. There's no way they can finish tonight.

9:43: How are they going to finish this show by 10 p.m.? Is this NOT the last show?

9:38: Guest judge hates the paintbrush.

9:36: They have to cook their signature dishes. Petrozza: Fliet mignon in a red-wine demi glace. Christina: NY strip steak with succotash and fingerling potatoes. Petrozza's making paintbrushes out of green onions. Huh.

9:34: Their names are lit up in Times Square. Both of them are going to Dubai as a gift. They get to spend time observing in his restaurant there. The challenge tonight, though, is...

9:30: Ramsey: "New York City has a very special treat for both of you." Christina: "Oh, my god." End scene.

9:29: Petrozza says he's bringing out the big guns. Whatever.

9:28: Two bleeps. Three bleeps. Christina's the all-time challenge winner.

9:27: One bleep. But it was in a flashback.

9:25: Yes, he's confident in them. That joker. Petrozza almost had an aneurysm. They are flying off to New York to see Ramsey's restaurant there.

9:20: Oh, shit. Sudden, urgent meeting with Ramsey in his office. He has serious concerns about Petrozza's menu. He's concerned that he doesn't have the right finalists. Petrozza looks shocked.

9:19: Petrozza wants his wait staff to wear celery green chef's jackets. No. God, no.

9:17: Knowing that they are going to bring back the last six players who were eliminated, I'm curious to see who's going to get Jen on their team. She's a sabotaging bitch, an she'll screw whoever she's working with.

9:16: Christina's planning her restaurant, Petrozza's staring. It's very exciting.

9:12: Petrozza's eating chips while he tries to devise a menu for his half of the restaurant. He has to go lie down. In the morning, he's still having a tough time. Smoking, sitting on the balcony, talking to the birds. Christina's got her menu done. Petrozza looks ill. He's got nothing.

9:11: Ramsey offers the final challenge. Petrozza's crying. Who's the most talented chef? There's no crying in the kitchen.

9:10: Finally, a little Ohio Players. Fire!

9:09: Still recapping. I'm going to run a count of the number of words that get bleeped.

9:07: The recap is STILL going on. Who cares about the losers? Let's get to the contest.

Cooking with Paula Deen

2008-07-01T20:01:00.000-04:00

I got an invitation in the mail today for a free issue of Cooking with Paula. Creepy...

There's no place like home-Dorothy Gale from Kansas exits Next Food Network Star

2008-07-01T19:58:00.000-04:00

And thank god too cuz bitch was irritating. This show just keeps getting better and better. As does my girl Lisa (although I am convinced now more than ever the final two will be Kelsey and Old Man Child). Lisa was very reserved during that challenge. You know she just wanted to stab that Jen in the heart with her chef's knife. And Cat Cora looked fabulous!

Now if we can just get rid of Adam.

Hell's Kitchen finale, bitches!

2008-07-01T19:34:00.000-04:00

It's tonight! I'm rooting for Christina, though my friend Jen likes Petrozza. I predict Petrozza will light himself on fire. Accidentally, of course.

False Advertising!

2008-06-30T12:29:00.001-04:00

Nothing beats a good corn dog at a street fair. Nothing unless it’s a fraud! A fake! A forgery! A farce!
I was happily wandering about San Francisco’s Gay Pride festival yesterday, quite relieved that Cyndi Lauper had pulled a prima donna fit and cancelled her fifteen minute “show”. Thank God. The last thing in the world I wanted to hear was her screeching and screaming for even fifteen minutes.
I saw a huge sign that said “CORN DOGS!” in front of one of the many food booths so my roommate and I decided to brave the long long lines and grab ourselves a nice old fashioned corn dog. WELL….after waiting patiently and happily in line for a good thirty minutes, what happens? We got to the front and there on a type written “menu” are the words “Vegetarian Corn Dogs $5.” VEGETARIAN! What the fuck? What else was there to do after the long wait but order one, right? YUCK! It was mealy, and soft and absolutely disgusting.
So take my advice. Next time you are at a carnival, a street fair, an outdoor festival or any place that serves “corn dogs”, do yourself a favor. Grab both shoulders of the nearest person waiting in line and roughly shake them and ask them forcefully “Are these corn dogs real?” If they don’t know or get scared, move on to the next person until you get a satisfactory answer. And if the corn dogs are vegetarian…burn the fucking place to the ground!